i am so extrodanarily blessed. i have love in my life. i have joy in my life. i am granted oppurtunties that i have to pinch myself to believe. and in all of this i am so thankful. saying this i have a whole section of my life that is hard. i adore my children, and my job. but that does not mean it doesn't wear me down and pull on my heart (that tends to be soft). i know that i need to talk about my daily struggles for my own healing and health. but when i am out with friends at night i know that me bringing up this stuff is only going to cause someone else's heart to take a hit. when it comes down to it i try to hold it all in, or forget about it and have fun. so many times this works, then i hit this wall. often this is were this blog comes in...a kind of therapy. anyway.

recently i have struggled with seeing the issue when i look at my kids and not the child. when they start to laugh or hug me i can often snap out of it. but oh, my heart hurts. my kids go through so much shit that they are just handed. siblings who have passed away because of abuse, fathers leaving, acs cases making them think they are going to be taken away from their parents. uh. i feel like my heart, my lungs, and all my insides are pounding with an ache to be able to change this world for them. and i know that in so many ways i can't. i am powerless in bringing their loved ones back to them or making them feel secure. i can love them in my own unique way...giving them programs to recieve fresh fruit everyday, bringing them to shows, giving them art class. this just isn't good enough for me. i need to be more. i need to give more. i need to love more.

now that i wrote that last little bit. maybe the problem is that this is not about me. "i" can't do this alone. i hope my friends know that in taking care of me and making me laugh they in turn are helping and caring for the kids in my program. saying this...i need to ask for more. more help at work, and more help in my life. the problem of poverty in nyc and the after affects is clearly not just my issue. we all need to carry it someway on our backs until its solved. i think now is the time for me to pass some of my load off. cause its getting damn heavy and i'm about to hit the ground. even though i have miles to go.

just for a positive...things that are joys in my life this summer:

free george michael concert (loved the crowd there)
longboarding the city
celebrating friends joys
finding a roommate
walking home through the park
bar games with kyle
wedding in the woods
(ok. there are more. i'm just crazy tired and have to lifeguard all day tomorrow.)

good night.