I write music. All the time. on paper. In my head. On the bus. In my room. It’s the most organic, honest, and therapeutic thing I do. And for a long time…it was just for me. For me to celebrate. Or mourn. Or explain. Or enjoy.

Being in front of people (not just 2…like usual) and playing…and singing these lyrics that I wrote for her or him…knowing what they meant to me when I wrote them (and what they mean to me now). Opening up in that space…was scarier then i EVER could have imagined it to be. And more beautiful then I ever thought it would be. Singing my music live…man, its like pulling out my heart and letting it talk: my confessions, my longings, my needs, my weaknesses…and letting anyone who wants to pay a 5 dollar cover listen in :).

My mind was bouncing from one thought to another the whole time I was up there: how much I am loved…to why the hell am I doing this…opps I totally just went flat…eeeeee…oh man my music is adorable…is that what i want to be? adorable…oh crap everyone’s looking at me….whats the lyric??? oh my!!! thoughts.

Funny thing is. When I was done with it. I wasn’t the greatest or even all that good. But singing is a fear of mine, and I did it…so in my mind that was amazing. And now? Im addicted. Singing live is like riding a rollercoaster. i might be scared to my bones…but when you are done…you feel so proud and your adrenaline is sooo high…its like ok that shit was awesome.

I don’t know. Maybe this whole thing is just about proving something…mostly to myself that I was wrong. My senior year in high school I visited the college I ended up going to…while I was there I saw their improv team perform. The team was really small…and hard to get into it. After the show was done I told my dad I wanted to be on the team…he’s response was that I should just enjoy the shows…its hard to get on. Oh man, then I REALLY wanted to do it…so I tried out and got on. In the end? yea I totally wasn’t that good, but I know it was about more about making the team then actually doing improv.

Sooo…connecting this: my whole life I have been a crappy singer. Im not lying. Everyone knows it…they told me. It was a running joke J when I was in a musical the sound guys would turn off my mic during the songs…oh man.

I have to prove myself wrong. When I think I can’t…that’s when I always try an insane amount to see if I really can. I didn’t grow up in a family that said, ‘you can be anything you want to be’ and now that im actually starting to believe that…im going to test that principle to the limit.

Anyway…lesson of the week: do not let anyone tell you that you can’t do something, even yourself. Yup…cheesy quotes are sometimes the way to go.

"i do it for the joy it brings

because i'm a joyful girl

because the world owes me nothing

and we owe each other the world

i do it because it's the least i can do"

sometimes i just need ani to remind me.

the most amazing. the MOST.

took a short cab ride today. me and my guitar. the cabbie and i hit it off. talked about martin luther king (its his day...or was). then about the cabbie's life. and mine. somehow we started talking about the theme's of our lives. we could only choose one word to describe our life. i choose 'Freedom'. he choose 'Ocean'. i like his. we talked about how short life is. he said that it should be all about fun. how could i not agree? 

in the end i gave him a good tip. i had an experience with him and i wanted to say thank you. when he saw what i tipped on the credit card machine thing...he said 'stacey this is to much'. so he got out cash from his wallet and paid me back half my fair. we SPLIT my fair.

i love new york. LOVE it. in the end i gave him my unused email address...he sent me this today:

Hey Stacey how is it going
Listen lol
you are awesome and keep up the great attitude girl.....I'm dead serious.
you are the best

i'm just saying....life can be magical. amazingly magical.

I guess all I needed to get out of my funk was to get pooped on by a bird. So thank you seagull, or whoever you are. I needed my luck to turn around. And I think you might have done that for me.

Time after time these last few days I have realized my potential for loving. There are people in my life currently that I could love so much. SO much. And if I was given the chance…wow I would start to have a lot to lose.

Thankfulness and gratefulness. These words will never cover what I feel for the opportunities the universe has given me. I was born wearing golden shoes. I could fall hard…have a lower low…and I would never be lost in the multitude. There are too many people watching out for me. Caring for me. Loving me.

When I see those who are becoming lost…even when their small hearts do not know it. That’s when I know my capacity to love. Its my purpose in life to be there. To live a life that has a lot to lose.

Oh my heart. My learning heart.

‘I am special. I’m the only one.
I’m the only one of me.’

Those lyrics are sooo funny now. I used to sing that song over and over again in school when I was little. Teaching the all valuable American lesson that we are individuals…we each are one of a kind and no one can be anything like us. HUH? This song is really interesting considering I went to a Christian elementary school. Clearly they wanted us to learn that we each are made in God’s image. And individually are saved by God’s grace. That after all is what makes Christianity ‘special’…that we are brought into a personal relationship with God himself.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic. Mostly just because I’ve found myself singing this song a few too many times this past week. And then once in the middle of the song I was like, WHAT…what am I singing???....i’m the only one of me. Is that what is so special about me…that I’m the only one?

I wondered what kind of person I would have become…or would have been as a child if I was taught instead that what is special about being me is not that i’m one of a kind…but that I am ‘one’ with everything. Of course I have my talents….but they are only useful when they are placed into the mix of the earth. And I have my weakness…which is where other people’s talents lie…and with the combined two (with our powers combined we create captain planet) OK…so with all of our strengths we are actually strong. So I know that sounds simple…and a little strange…flow with me…

I am not one of a kind. I am one with the earth. One with mankind. One with love. With this belief I understand that we are not all different, yet we are all the same. All longing for, looking for, needing, seeking, and moving toward similar ends. I have the ability to be empathtic since I have felt pain too. I have the abililty to listen because I have been there. I have the ability to change, since the earth is constantly recreating itself. A leaf falls and I understand its wandering spirit. The sun wakes early to shine, I understand its warming soul. You cry and I am there in the place where my tears once were.

We are special. Because we are a WE. Depending on eachother. Laughing with one another. Loving strangers and friends alike. We are strong in our strings that connect us. And weak in our individualism.

ive been on a recent kick of honesty with myself and the earth. i suppose that once you start asking yourself the big questions: ie 'who are you' then the questions just keep rollin' on out. i won't lie...i kind of love this honesty thing. im not reading into others actions (as much) or wondering what will happen to me or what people think. i have been trying to just say what i think and take the responses as they come.

even when it comes to talking to myself, which is the hardest person to be honest with. YEt the honesty (ok, i know i'm using this word WAY to much) has been good. i look and feel and act how i actually feel in the inside...which hasn't happened in a long time. its beautiful. hello me. i seem to enjoy you...now that you aren't trying to please so many people. people pleasing is not a fun side job.

honesty said that i wasn't living the if i wanted. that i didn't look like me. that i was holding onto beliefs just to have them. that i was telling you something just so you would love me. that i was holding back my words for some so i wouldn't be rejected. poo. that is hard shit. pretending and trying.

and this honesty kick is having a great affect on me and the current love of my life: my seagull guitar. After finishing a song and recording it last night…I had this moment of ‘shit. This music is kind of really awesome’. Its been a recent occurrence after years of writing that my music has started to feel and sound very me. I feel like I am pushing myself to play the guitar in more unique ways and giving myself the lack of boundaries needed to flow with whatever shenanigans comes out of my mouth. Which has turned into some of the most beautiful/creative experiences I have had in years. it is becoming harder and harder for me to sacrifice playing and writing time to do things. Which makes me sound like a complete loner. I now totally understand people who have lived in a cabin for months with just them and their guitar. That sounds CRAZY amazing. Ummm…st. johns and me and my guitar. delicious idea.

its kind of like the line 'what i don't know won't hurt me' (which i have talked about before). it makes me soooo frustrated....soooo i'm trying to live in the opposite of it. you know? i'm going to be honest with you. and with me. and its going to be weird. and beautiful. and hard. for you to deal and for me to deal. but us talking and asking questions and patiently struggling through it will bring us to this amazing place. i know it.

the funny thing about it. is if i'm really honest about it all...i would have to say that i don't know what the hell i'm doing. except that i'm trying: to be me. to love you. to speak my thoughts. to be. we will see. fingers crossed that honesty is actually the best policy!!!!!

the world is one tuff cookie. Sweet mercy. It is what it is. But it is NOT ok. We all know this. But sometimes it becomes overwhelming. You see 'this or that' which has to be fixed. And a person who is at the bad end of an injustice. A child in a foster home. A kid struggling with morals. A parent teaching stereotypes to their child: and their child knowing no better.

There are proposals to write. And conversations to have. And tears to cry. And hope to live on. Ah hope! You are my lifeline. My phone a friend. Yes Regis, I don’t know how I’m going to make it to the end of the day…I would like to phone a friend…HOPE. Eeee!

Today I was like ‘nope world. No thank-you. Could you just go ahead and fix all the sad? I would appreciate it.’ Because this is hard and I am struggling. And changes are slow and not always steady.

The only thing I know to do is breathe and reconnect to why. Why I am here. Soo..i had a meeting with a 5 year old. meetings with kids always make me happy. She was funny. i asked her if there is anything she would like to say to me…she replied, “you look like money.” I asked her why. She didn’t know (interesting, interesting). I told her that she looked like happy. She said that she is happy. I asked why? And she pointed at me. brilliant.

And I was back in it again.
Sad exists. But we are stronger.
Hate exists. But we are wiser.
Fear exists. But we are LOVE.

I need to hold onto the belief that all is good.
that LOVE is powerful
that laughter will heal all wounds of sadness.
And we can do this.
Change the world for good.
Make things better.
For them. For you. For me.
For us. Collectively.
It will be good.
It will be LOVE.
Cause it can not be anything else.

some say fear not hate is the opposite of love. how true that seems to be. love at its core after all is an honest explosion of positive emotions. it says look at me...see me...hear me...feel me...i am here for you. and i respect you and respect me enough to be open and not fear the words that i am going to speak.

fear my friend is all about lack of honesty. understanding that words are hard and scary and when they come out...there is no taking them back. fear says i don't know who you are and i'm afraid of the hurt you could bring. fear stops you from smiling to a stranger. loving a friend. stops you from trying new possibilities. and seeking to ventures. fear believes that we are more different then we are the same. fear says i can't.

love believes...it has to...that there is more connecting us then dividing us. it is rooted in this belief. if i open my heart. and share my feelings or my struggles or my joys....i am believing that the love between you and me...the human connection will find some understanding in my honesty. it will say: i feel your pain. i hope for your good. i see where you are coming from. i am you. you are me. and because of our love we are in this together.

fear once again says: i choose to not understand...but walk away or look down or move to the next car on the train. fear starts fights and wars. fear creates divisions. and gives power to power hungry. fear doesn't listen.

love. oh LOVE. thank you.

moments when love is on our lips. or in the air. or in our hands....those times are crazy scary. they create defining moments in our lifes. when we know we can't go back to how things were before. our view of the world, of each other, and of ourselves changes. saying this i understand why fear is an easier choice then love. once love is the choice we made...who knows where its going to take us in life. YET how exiting is that? how thrilling the possibility of what love could do in a single day to change us???

be LOVE. choose LOVE. seek LOVE.
let LOVE define you.
completely.
totally.
all the time.

we have the choice to create the life we want. (i know hello oprah). but we ReALLy do. a life of risk. a life of love. a life of settlement. a life of patience. a life of adventure. what do you want? what do you have? do they match-chances are some but not all. let them! make it so. you are the only one who is going to do that for you. so step up and speak out and act accordingly.

wow this past year. really WOW. good job universe: throwing us into it all and knowing we will come out the other end. i feel a bit (and this is dramatic) but that my life was a little like dorothy in the wizard of oz...with all black and white style scenes. things were great: nice and dependable, ultra dependable. and then boom you meet a stranger...a tornado rolls in...you go into some world were everyone is different and animals talk...then the stranger turns out to be a pseudo wizard. ok, so not that far. but defiantly the black and white scenes...meet some strangers who open up a new whole world to you...tornado...learn a lot about yourself bit.

my kiddies are back. its AMAZING to see them. they are sooo much my heart. there is one in particular who has grown SO much in the time i have known him. how he talks, his ability to create, and deal....he is a different person. today as he was telling me a story he was making up on the spot about a dead pig who came to life in his classroom then ran to DC and jumped on obama's head. in the end the pig ran all over the white house writing his name on the walls..."PIG". :) the whole time he was telling me the story i couldn't help but be CrAZY happy. he has grown so much in his development. a year ago there was no way he could create a story that had a start, middle, and an end. he is growing up. for a minute i wished i was where he is now. with all the possibilities ahead of him, time to learn, and soo many new things to discover. the moment quickly came to a halt when i realized that i'm still there: we all are still there...still growing up and learning how to write out story with a start, middle and an end.

in my day to day i have the chance to change. my life and thanks to the universe...others people's lifes too...we each do. maybe thats why i love strangers. every time i talk to someone on the train, or the homeless person on the street, or my waiter....i have another opportunity to learn how connected we all are. to be taught a lesson. to make a friend. to share my love. i can't get enough. i really can't! my friend was joking around the other day when a waiter invited me to his recording studio to record some of my music. she said to get a list of my friends you would have to hand someone the new york city phonebook. i can't help myself.

life is meant to be discovered. i am putting it out there. and saying this year...i am good enough. no questioning. no wondering. no second guessing. my songs are meant to be song. my dreams are meant to be followed through on. my love is meant to be given away. why would the universe grant us a gift...of song or love or peace or inspiration...other for them to be shared?

soooo. open up your phonebook and let the people know. you have something...you have everything to give! let everyone see it and live it with you and with each other. life is meant to be lived in color...TECHNICOLOR color. place yourself in the tornado. and be ready to grOW. AH! its all to brilliant.

to be brave.

my new years resolution.

to sing it.
to say it.
to believe it.
to know it.
to do it.
to live it.
to love it.

all of it.
every "it" there is.

try.
fail.
learn.
try.
succeed.
see.
celebrate.
try.
fail.
constant.
constant.

each time i am brave. even if the situation doesn't turn out the way i was hoping or planning. i did what i had to. i said what i thought. i was there. and put it out there. and lived life. cause we only get one. no regrets.

i am brave. i am going to be brave. i have been brave and it has gotten me here. so i will be brave.