i have goosebumps. and wonderful feelings beaming around me. and goodness. and love. and wonder for the future week. month. and years ahead of me.

but as we all do...i have a rock. in a very hard place. it can be lived and worked around. but its there, it always will be. here is my rock....its a simple phrase, "what i don't know, doesn't hurt me". a simple motto that many love to live by. their reason for living by it? maybe for safety. security. peace. to be able to live nicely in the world that is around them: or the world that they created around them. and they don't want to know.

OK...they don't want to know so it doesn't hurt them. BUT what if lack of knowing hurts someone else??? then what is gained? someone has to pay the price. poo. really POO. there will always be differences in opinions and philosophies and religion and understanding. yes, of course. but WOW.

LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. start and end and middle.........LOVE.

how the hell did i get here??? i really don't know. but i LOVE it. really L O V E it. life is insane.

we spend are childhood and adolescents creating us. trying things out and failing and trying something else. seeing what we are good at. what we actually like to do. who we enjoy surrounding ourselves with. starting to dress and define ourselves in particular ways. people say, "oh you will be this or that...you will be a kind person...or you are going to change the world...such and such". all these adults around us tell us that they can't wait to see us grow-up. we are being and we are creating.

then hello today comes. the day when we have created. we are living and doing and grown (ish). of course we are still changing. but at 24, we are something. we are no longer building definitions around us, but we are living in the definitions we have written these past years. we have found the people we enjoy, the jokes we like, the passions we have. we are in this crazy 'adulthood'. we are of course just as blank minded and awkward. YEt...we are who we are.

as i was meeting with a parent in my program, one of my kids came into my office to pick up a pencil. while she was going through the pencil drawer the 2nd grader looked at me and asked "ms. stacey do you have any kids". nope, not one...and not for awhile. she informed me that i should have kids. then the parent asked me how old i was....i told her, 24. i can't explain the reaction in the way it actually happened. this women took a deep breathe in and said she had to sit down. i was laughing so hard. she was freaking out. i asked her how old she though i was...she said by maturity, 30 or 32. then she just sat there, eyes wide open saying, "24 year old white girl working with inner city kids" she said it over and over again. now if she only saw the mess in my room she would know better. but maybe the crazier part of this story for me is that i feel like i'm 16 most of the time. 30...i hope i'm a lot more organized when i'm actually 30.

the same women came into my office today to give me a christmas gift. it was lotion with the word 'seduction' in the title. i smiled, said thanks...and told her that i might get a little love in my life if i wear this stuff. without a beat she said, "girl...you already have LOVE in your life''. she is more then right.

i leave for home (michigan) in 20 minutes. i haven't been there in 8 months. its always wonderful and amazing to see all these people i grew-up with. it reminds me how great life is. how thankful i am for everyone who couldnt wait to watch me grow up. and home shows me how much i have grown.....and how much i will always stay that little dutch girl who loved to climb trees.

the division between us and the universe...us and the past...us and the future...us and nature...between me and you...is soooo thin. i am the universe. i am the past. i am the future. i am nature. i am you and you are me. its simple and complicated and amazing and crazy and true. i wish the best for you. when you are your best, i am my best too. when the universe spins in harmony and peace. when the stars are in their places. when we live a life that will make tomorrow better then today. when i look back at the past to see where i have fallen and what i have learned. then, yes then. i am being. being in my place as a small thing, a beautiful thing that can change so much if i understand that i am changing only along with the forces of love that move in and through us all. i believe in the goodness of you. i believe that your goodness pours out of you and into me. and helps create my goodness. i could never be good on my own. it is you. and her. and him. and all of them pushing all of us to be good. and beautiful. and loving.

i imagine the divine to be a constant invisible wave of love and beauty and inspiration and drive and being the moves like the wind...but not just in one direction. that it goes and comes back and goes and comes back. when she passes through you are me or a stranger or a sunflower that the wave takes us by surprise raises us for a moment to believe and understand that life is a gift. and that we have the opportunity and the need to spread her reminders of all these wonderful on...constantly. in my life i want to create a place of acceptance. of joy. and of love. wherever i go, and with whoever i meet.

the universe is huge. the planets. the stars. the sun. the moon. the earth. the continents. the seas. the cities. the streets. and in it all there is you. and here is me. knowing you are a small is an amazing realization. that puts everything in perspective. while also helping you realize that life is completely not understandable. i will never really know what is going on around me, let alone way out there. YET i am here. and you are there. and we are small important pieces of love in this HUGE universe of ours.

Emotion is an amazing part of being human. Growing up I somehow interpreted emotion to be bad or sinful. If I felt too much love for someone or something I would pray that god would turn my heart back to him. Or if I started to feel to much pain I would ask god to take the pain away and grant me peace. Saying this I did hold on tight to the emotion of guilt and fear (but that’s a whole other blog). As I started to put less and less weight on god and his or her affects on my life AND as I came to see that it is me who needs to deal or create the life I want (I know the divine has a part in it…but the divine has given me independence to develop. To deal. To live. And to be). OK….getting around to the lesson I have been thinking about. I don’t know if its being in the city. Or working in a culture that is blunt. Or seeing/hearing of hardships all around me. Or just the situations I have been finding myself in. (its probably all of it)....That is not letting me build a wall between me and emotion: pain. LOVE. Peace. Frustration.

This past year I have felt sooo much: moments were all my insides ache. Times of great questioning. Days when I felt my heart was going to give under the weight of longing. A moment of love I felt was so physically real to me I could feel the love literally in the air. A night of pain and many minutes randomly of despair and knowledge that I will pass on the despair in bits to many. And hope. Hope as a deep continual emotion every morning and on through the day. A hope that let me believe that LOVE...will in the end bring me to a place of wholeness. Of balance. And a place were I will be able to accept and give love honestly…without terms or conditions. I am not in a bubble, as people always called west Michigan. I am saying, ‘hello emotion. Come on in.' i truly believe the divine gave humans feelings not to be denied ...yet to have them. YES...its scary!!! feelings are veRY scary. even so we can not hand them off to the divine to deal with. we can't push them aside. we have emotions to feel ReAL. To learn. To be connected to one another and to the universe. My love. My care. My joy. My comfort. My tears. And all my laughs make me who I am. The divine is more then welcome to be with me through it all…whoever you are. but i will no longer be asking for any of my emotions to be subdued. this is too good.

last night i walked home up central park west. its was beautiful outside. i was having a spiritual experience with the noah and the whale cd on my ipod. seriously. as i walked up the grid of manhattan on the concrete sidewalk, something wonderful stood out to me. the roots of a tree along the street that was coming through the sidewalk. i couldn't help but walk on top of them and follow them to the tree. all of a sudden i was head over heals for this tree. i went up to its bark and felt it. i don't remember the last time i have been this close to a tree. its sad. as i stood there, looking crazy to anyone who passed....i started to recall this old me. a me that lived in nature for months. a me that made fires and cooked on them. a me that swam in rivers and canoed on lakes. that tree was one of my only contacts with something not man made yesterday (in fact the only thing in many days). nyc is full of concrete and buildings and buses and everything built. the only thing i really am in contact with on a daily basis that is not man-made is man himself.

i miss you mother nature. maple trees that we tap to make syrup. geiko trees that we hang around. sleeping under the stars. the smell of the forest after in rains. thunderstorms! leafs under my feet. sand dunes. smores on a fire late at night. laying on docks looking for the little dipper. night swimming. i often forget. lifes big blessings.

i'm not sure if i can get into words my thoughts. i am in a world of constantness. i know that is not a word: but for the sake of today (and because i often make up words) i'm going to use it. i wake up each morning and know that chances are i'm going to come home late in the evening different. in some way i will be different. i will experience something that will change me. challenge me. strengthen me. bring me to tears. of pain or of joy. this is so different from my world just a few years ago when i was just getting the business done i had to and waking up to do it again. that life is not an option for me now. i face challenges and choices and people everyday. in the best way possible. i hear stories. oh i hear stories. i receive words of affirmation. i sit and listen. listening is my favorite. i always come away with more empathy, more drive. i sat today and listened a lot. i cant share their words. or their struggles. but i can tell you. that this girl, doesn't know how anyone opens up to her. how is it that a girl from the midwest. who grew up in such a small community, who never experienced anything near what others around me are...how is it that she am someone trusts? i am more then thankful i am. someone said to me 'you just seem like you love everyone no matter what'. it was one of the best things anyone has ever said to me. it made me know that through all my mistakes, im getting something right.

i have the biggest family; the largest community. that i care for so deeply. today on of my kids had a chance to conduct an orchestra, they were smiling so big and throwing the conductors stick around so hard he hit someone in the face. the whole time i thought, my love for them. all of them. its more then simple giving and receiving. this must be a touch of what it feels like to have a child. a coworker once said to me, 'stacey these are your children. they trust you. they love you. you are here to protect them.' i am.

i don't know. i feel like my feelings aren't coming to these words very well. when i was on the train tonight, i looked at all the people. and i couldn't remember the faces of the people i saw this morning on the way to work. i couldn't remember who i was this morning. i know thats dramatic. but at that moment. i really could not. all i knew on the way home tonight was that i had more drive in me. more perseverance in me. more love in me. and more hope for change then 12 hours before. i know now that i will wake up tomorrow and listen and learn and grow and be different then who i am now. its just the way its happening lately. im having a growth spurt.

funny tidbit: the parents in my program have been asking me what i want for christmas. i always say nothing. but one parent kept asking so i said, 'i do not want anything you buy. you know what i really want (i said slightly sarcastically) i just want more love'. she smiled. later in my office she took a phone call from another parent in my program. i overheard their conversation, "yea i asked her. she said she only wants love for christmas. you know stacey, all ms. nature...yea just love. so i'm going to start to volunteer at the center.' perfect present.

i have it soooooo good. sooooooo good. soooooo good. i have tears in my eyes, sitting at my desk for the gratefulness the universe has offered me. i'm not sure if i have ever been so thankful. my smile is all over my face and is connected directly to my heart. oh my heart, it has been broken and repaired time and time again. i don't mind. i'm thankful. my mistakes. live and learn. i'm thankful. i have received so many hugs today. literally, for being a vessel of giving. i was given hundreds of dollars worth of food today through a program i applied for on behalf of the community center. families are carrying out boxes of cereal, canned food, and such. so many of them stopping by my office on the way out to say thanks. tell me they love me. one said that she respects me with all her heart and all her being. another said 'girl thanks for hooking us up. we haven't had someone like you in our lifes for a long time'. i'm soooo thankful. compliments are wonderful. but more then that i love being in a place that gives me the chance to be a small (very small) beacon of hope. growing up i was taught that all good things we do are not done by us, yet it is God through us. like in some way we are just the hands and the feet of the Divine. i'm not sure if thats true...but today as good things are all around me. or as i was a listening ear to someones tears and pain. i didn't think it was me: offering the services or the hope or the minute of solitude. when i hear compliments i never think 'oh good job me'. it is so much more. SO much more then me. i think all these good things: small and large happen because we are all fighting for. praying for. and hoping toward LOVE. the universe is working through all of us collectively to create a positive change in the world.

i'll end with this. someone told me today that they keep trying to get life to go their way: to get a job and work to earn a living for their family. but no matter how hard they try doors keep closing all around them. she looked at me like she wanted some words of wisdom all i could come up with was, "i'm sorry sometimes in life you just get screamed". truth. it happens. she laughed, and said thanks. honesty can help-and most times its really funny too. Yet saying this, i'm going to fight hard the rest of my life to open up all the doors and the windows i can. i'm sooo thankful. least i can do is open a few doors.

oh no. oh man. oh giraffes. i am not an actor. not even close. the only time i acted was in high school. even then the only real speaking role i had i was supposed to have an english accent. i ended up having an irish (it was very 'catch me lucky charms'). anyway...recently i have started to feel like i'm acting. someone cries in my office. i start to ask myself "what would a social worker say". i friend comes to me with a problem and in my mind i'm thinking "how would a friend react to this". ah! i do not like the feeling of playing a part. but i feel so unqualified for what i'm doing in my life. work. relationships. all of it that at times i feel the need to 'fake it'. its starting to make me nervous. like soon enough everyone is going to see me for who i really am: just a girl trying to fake it tell i make it. and i don't see me ever really "making it". i see more confusion, stumbling, and growing in my future then i see self-assurandance and stability. GOOSE BUMPS! who knows??? maybe i will get life right. maybe there will be a time when i know what i am talking about. maybe i'll stop making up words when i don't know the real word i'm looking for. or a time when i dont lose my keys and my cell phone. oh man, i hate when that happens. i dont know. i could say maybe all day long. maybe this and maybe that. huh. well. MAYBE i shouldn't focus on what i don't know or my mistakes....but rather the forgiveness that i'm willing to give myself while i'm faking it. if i lose my keys, or make up words, or spell things wrong, or forget about a meeting....or if someone else is late or forgets or cancels or pulls an irish accent on stage when its supposed to be english. you bet your bottom dollar i'm going to give you forgiveness. and grace. and love. i might laugh...but only with you. thats how its supposed to be. lets be honest: we both know we are trying our best. and if someone catches one of us faking it...know that i'll have your back. because i love you and selfishly because i need the same. oh giraffes! we got this. we totally got this.

Dude! life, right? no but seriously. there are so many things that i don't know. today someone told me "stacey, you have to be a little more tough. protect yourself" poo. i don't like living in a world that i have to be tougher...i like assuming the best about everyone. ok, so i know that everyone is not on my side or holding pom poms yelling "go stacey!". but how many people are really that bad? maybe its just my lack of memory. someone wrongs me...i'll usually forget about it in a few days. BLAH! and now here i am trying to understand how i can be tough. punch the air a few time. watch some karate kid. listen to eye of the tiger. maybe that will get me tough. but wait, nope it won't. i have the heart of a lamb. my only hope is putting the costume of a lion on and trying to foul people. i'll think they'll just laugh at me. still, i'm going to try. i have too. in a world of lions (or so people say) i need to try to fit in, cause i don't want others to feel like they can walk all over me. none of that. so watch out...cause here comes my growl and my lion costume...just know all the while i'm inside of the costume thinking this is ridiculous.

as i waited in line last night at whole foods holding my butternut squash soup and red skinned potatoes i started to look at the magazines. an over abundance of the magazines there were travel focused. which immediately brought me back to college. college i think was one of the hardest times in my life. not because of any events or relationship problems. but because i had a lack of purpose, slight confusion, and no community. i used to buy travel magazines all the time on my breaks from work. read the articles and soak in the photos. dreaming of a life i could have, of a situation that would be different. as i passed pictures of tropical places and europe again last night...i started to feel sooooooo thankful. oh universe! i do not regret for a moment the choices that i made in college. to work hard. to party little. to study sometimes. to have conflicts with the philosophy in my school. to live with my aging grandmother. all these things developed me. and made me so thankful...for today and yesterday and tomorrow. and here i am, now. i haven't bought a travel magazine in a long time. i think nyc offers plenty of places to explore and discover new wonderful things.

philosophy. "go ahead you can laugh all you want. but i have my philosophy. keeps my feet on the ground....i see that there is evil. i know that there is good. and the in betweens i never understood" thank you ben folds five (and kyle for the introduction). i am a pleaser. i do not want to fail anyone...and this year when i had to, it was kind of really freeing to me. when i heard them crying on the phone as i spoke the words...and they said it had to hurt for a while. it of course hurt me. but even more i knew that i now had independence: to think, to believe, to discover, and to be ok with having my own viewpoint on it all. its exiting! my language...the way i think...were my mind goes...my dreams. they are all my own. or a mix of all the ideas smart people have had around me. either or. and now when i talk to them...now that they and i both know i will never be what they pictured. we can both start seeing a different me. a growing me. a separate me. there will always be misunderstandings. but as they listen and ask and are interested and are not crying but trying to share in the joy (or at least the normality of it) things will become better and more open. i can't wait for the day: of equal respect and love. from me to them and them to me.

in the end (sorry...this is a long blog. with not to many jokes and a wandering plot) i am strong. guilt hasn't crept up into my mind in a long time. tears, i think they all escaped me this summer. and now excitement. anticipation. laughter. joy. LOVE. they are all coming around. nope, wait they are here. and i am loving it. i saw a friend last night who has been so apart of this whole shit load...seeing her made me realize how good i am. how good i have it. so thank you. i am so blessed. in christian school people used to say 'my cup is overflowing' its from a psalm. but i like the analogy. that i have so much...i will never be thirsty...i have everything i need to quench my desires and fill my body so i can have the energy to go on. i love you so much. this year i love you in a very selfish way...for loving me. for making me laugh. for listening. for crying. for understanding, or trying to understand. for letting me change my answers to major questions. for letting me be and understanding that this was all to real to me. and now look at where we are! to excitement. to the wonderful nervous felling in our bellies. to laughs. and possibilities. we are not looking to the future and saying "i can't wait tell then...(travel or love or moving or family)". now we can say "look at today! we have it!" we have the strength. the confidence. the faith. the LOVE. oh goodness. its spring time in our hearts. eeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

to those of you who think that this is about one person and me. lose the thought. this is about you. cause you. whoever you are, are part of this. this newness. this love. this gratefulness. take my hand...please. lets be more connected then we are. lets learn more about each other then we already know. lets call more. and laugh more. and break more rules. and stay up together later. and write songs. and bake. and find new hidden streets. talk to more strangers. sit in more parks. go to all the holiday bazaars (oh my i really like those). and dream. i want my future to be intrinsically connected to yours. lets make a life. lets go on vacation to the tropics. lets skateboard the village. lets move to california (the countdown is on). lets rejoice and plan next thanksgiving. lets buy presents and open them up. me and you. you and me. its us kid-o. and i'm more then ok with that.

there is a new movie coming out at christmas about a little mouse who isn't afraid of what mice are supposed to be afraid off. when his classmates are shown a picture of a knife they all hide under their desks. he sits, looking at the picture...in awe. he says it looks like a sword. in response his father says "son, there are a lot of wonderful things to be afraid of in this life. if you could only learn to fear them". fear. i see things, know of things that i am really afraid of. failure. lonelyness. hitting a platou in life. sky diving. i think because i am so afraid of these things, it makes me fight really hard so they never happen (other then sky diving...i'm doing that...facing that fear is going to feel awesome...when i'm on the ground). some of my fears have recently started coming to the for front. and i'm trying to tell myself 'you can do this' 'think about it' 'you have the capability...to work...to organize...to keep up...to give...to love'. melting in presence of fear is going to do no one any good. i'm going to make mistakes...but i'm not going to quit (i'm putting this in writing, so i have to hold myself to it) i'm not going to quit. i'm going to eat some chocolate. get over it. make a plan. and succeed. there are so many things to fear in life, but we can learn to put them aside and the situation as a challenge.

it is so much easier to believe the bad then the good. someone tells you that you are average. you will accept that as a truth. someone times you that you are great, somehow its hard to believe. this is frustrating. that the negative can rule our thoughts and weigh us down. man oh man. its a heavy weight to try to get rid of sometimes. people will have their opinions. it happens, people will always have something to say. something to think. brush it off. thats an art: the art of the brush off. how to let it all slide and say 'you can think that. and i will still do what i do to be positive and succeed'. in the end. its all going to end (this sounds horrible..but i'm not intending it to). we all just need to have fun. brush it off. love and laugh. we will not always succeed. there will be failure, more then we would like. cry it off. watch a movie. then start goals, start to laugh, and start to enjoy. the days are to short. life is to short. to not let go off all the bad...take a deep breathe and see how fun this all is.