i'm not sure if i can get into words my thoughts. i am in a world of constantness. i know that is not a word: but for the sake of today (and because i often make up words) i'm going to use it. i wake up each morning and know that chances are i'm going to come home late in the evening different. in some way i will be different. i will experience something that will change me. challenge me. strengthen me. bring me to tears. of pain or of joy. this is so different from my world just a few years ago when i was just getting the business done i had to and waking up to do it again. that life is not an option for me now. i face challenges and choices and people everyday. in the best way possible. i hear stories. oh i hear stories. i receive words of affirmation. i sit and listen. listening is my favorite. i always come away with more empathy, more drive. i sat today and listened a lot. i cant share their words. or their struggles. but i can tell you. that this girl, doesn't know how anyone opens up to her. how is it that a girl from the midwest. who grew up in such a small community, who never experienced anything near what others around me are...how is it that she am someone trusts? i am more then thankful i am. someone said to me 'you just seem like you love everyone no matter what'. it was one of the best things anyone has ever said to me. it made me know that through all my mistakes, im getting something right.

i have the biggest family; the largest community. that i care for so deeply. today on of my kids had a chance to conduct an orchestra, they were smiling so big and throwing the conductors stick around so hard he hit someone in the face. the whole time i thought, my love for them. all of them. its more then simple giving and receiving. this must be a touch of what it feels like to have a child. a coworker once said to me, 'stacey these are your children. they trust you. they love you. you are here to protect them.' i am.

i don't know. i feel like my feelings aren't coming to these words very well. when i was on the train tonight, i looked at all the people. and i couldn't remember the faces of the people i saw this morning on the way to work. i couldn't remember who i was this morning. i know thats dramatic. but at that moment. i really could not. all i knew on the way home tonight was that i had more drive in me. more perseverance in me. more love in me. and more hope for change then 12 hours before. i know now that i will wake up tomorrow and listen and learn and grow and be different then who i am now. its just the way its happening lately. im having a growth spurt.

funny tidbit: the parents in my program have been asking me what i want for christmas. i always say nothing. but one parent kept asking so i said, 'i do not want anything you buy. you know what i really want (i said slightly sarcastically) i just want more love'. she smiled. later in my office she took a phone call from another parent in my program. i overheard their conversation, "yea i asked her. she said she only wants love for christmas. you know stacey, all ms. nature...yea just love. so i'm going to start to volunteer at the center.' perfect present.