as i waited in line last night at whole foods holding my butternut squash soup and red skinned potatoes i started to look at the magazines. an over abundance of the magazines there were travel focused. which immediately brought me back to college. college i think was one of the hardest times in my life. not because of any events or relationship problems. but because i had a lack of purpose, slight confusion, and no community. i used to buy travel magazines all the time on my breaks from work. read the articles and soak in the photos. dreaming of a life i could have, of a situation that would be different. as i passed pictures of tropical places and europe again last night...i started to feel sooooooo thankful. oh universe! i do not regret for a moment the choices that i made in college. to work hard. to party little. to study sometimes. to have conflicts with the philosophy in my school. to live with my aging grandmother. all these things developed me. and made me so thankful...for today and yesterday and tomorrow. and here i am, now. i haven't bought a travel magazine in a long time. i think nyc offers plenty of places to explore and discover new wonderful things.

philosophy. "go ahead you can laugh all you want. but i have my philosophy. keeps my feet on the ground....i see that there is evil. i know that there is good. and the in betweens i never understood" thank you ben folds five (and kyle for the introduction). i am a pleaser. i do not want to fail anyone...and this year when i had to, it was kind of really freeing to me. when i heard them crying on the phone as i spoke the words...and they said it had to hurt for a while. it of course hurt me. but even more i knew that i now had independence: to think, to believe, to discover, and to be ok with having my own viewpoint on it all. its exiting! my language...the way i think...were my mind goes...my dreams. they are all my own. or a mix of all the ideas smart people have had around me. either or. and now when i talk to them...now that they and i both know i will never be what they pictured. we can both start seeing a different me. a growing me. a separate me. there will always be misunderstandings. but as they listen and ask and are interested and are not crying but trying to share in the joy (or at least the normality of it) things will become better and more open. i can't wait for the day: of equal respect and love. from me to them and them to me.

in the end (sorry...this is a long blog. with not to many jokes and a wandering plot) i am strong. guilt hasn't crept up into my mind in a long time. tears, i think they all escaped me this summer. and now excitement. anticipation. laughter. joy. LOVE. they are all coming around. nope, wait they are here. and i am loving it. i saw a friend last night who has been so apart of this whole shit load...seeing her made me realize how good i am. how good i have it. so thank you. i am so blessed. in christian school people used to say 'my cup is overflowing' its from a psalm. but i like the analogy. that i have so much...i will never be thirsty...i have everything i need to quench my desires and fill my body so i can have the energy to go on. i love you so much. this year i love you in a very selfish way...for loving me. for making me laugh. for listening. for crying. for understanding, or trying to understand. for letting me change my answers to major questions. for letting me be and understanding that this was all to real to me. and now look at where we are! to excitement. to the wonderful nervous felling in our bellies. to laughs. and possibilities. we are not looking to the future and saying "i can't wait tell then...(travel or love or moving or family)". now we can say "look at today! we have it!" we have the strength. the confidence. the faith. the LOVE. oh goodness. its spring time in our hearts. eeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

to those of you who think that this is about one person and me. lose the thought. this is about you. cause you. whoever you are, are part of this. this newness. this love. this gratefulness. take my hand...please. lets be more connected then we are. lets learn more about each other then we already know. lets call more. and laugh more. and break more rules. and stay up together later. and write songs. and bake. and find new hidden streets. talk to more strangers. sit in more parks. go to all the holiday bazaars (oh my i really like those). and dream. i want my future to be intrinsically connected to yours. lets make a life. lets go on vacation to the tropics. lets skateboard the village. lets move to california (the countdown is on). lets rejoice and plan next thanksgiving. lets buy presents and open them up. me and you. you and me. its us kid-o. and i'm more then ok with that.