today i am sentimental. (usually i try not to be...but i'm giving in on this monday). today is my year anniversary at my job. and i know it sounds kind of weird to celebrate a year anniversary at a job. but to a girl who has tends to thrive on change being here this year. staying here. and continuing on here well it brings up some emotions. feelings on pride. of joy. of adulthood. of youth. of idealism. of confusion. i guess there is a thin line between one emotion or another. that line has been balanced this year. falling to one side or another all the time, and loving it. the realism. there is no putting on a front, no trying on a mask or building up a wall to not let the emotions inside. this job has ripped of anything that let me play a part of togetherness-of understanding. and let me become raw. scary, really scary. and amazing. i have been given joy this year. my name shouted with love as my kids come in wanting to tell me about their day. their first kisses (my favorite story), their good report cards, their struggles. and oh how i love to listen. to laugh with them. to celebrate with them. i have been given pain this year. when a parent admits they can't do it anymore. when a child is worried they are going to lose their loved ones. when i have no answers to give. last year i walked in blind to this center. i was a child who had a lot of idealism in her heart and who wanted to change the world (at least just a pinch). i know that in so many ways i am still a child (i hope to never lose that). but so many days as i have walked home after work. i swear i could feel growth pains all over my body. many times in your life you all of a sudden realize that you have grown up. and then there are those days that you know it is happening. you feel it. you recognize it. today i can say i'm glad i have had an oppurtunity to grow. even through all the tears and a few sacrifices that were made, i'm happy. because this community center has offered me a place to fight for peace and to hand out love. a whole lot of it. and with that peace and love...i have not been the only one to change. but my kids have also been growing-and what a joyful process that has been to watch. and in the end my kids have given me sooooo much love. so much joy. and so much purpose. one year down. many to come.

i feel like i'm grasping for aliveness. those moments or times in your life when you are so overcome with emotion: joy, LOVE, hope...that all you can think about is that moment. for me its been the times when i hold someone i love. when someone puts their hand in mine. when i'm a listening ear to someones dilemma or they to mine. all these human connections. when two people share a moment of time: and both understand the beauty of it. that two people have come together..each from separate experiences and to go on from that moment to keep living their/our separate lives. yet just for a second. or a minute. or if we are lucky minuteS...we...you...me are intrinsically connected. those moments are the beauty of humanness. in which we feel the wonder of being alive. today i find myself grasping for the memories of these moments. but knowing they are unreachable. these moments are not supposed to be relived. we are to be thankful and grow and learn. and stray into more moments of connection. walk into more times of love. and thrive in the hope that these times grant us.

Is it an American truth that the less you pay for something, the less you can complain about it? For instance if you paid 100 bucks for a shirt that fell apart you feel like you were ripped off. But if you paid 10 bucks for a shirt that fell apart you got what you deserved. Generally I think this principal makes sense. But how much can we stretch it? Does it also work on society levels? For instance if someone pays thousands of dollars for their child to attend private school do they have more of a right to ask questions and demand answers about their child’s education compared to a family who sends their child to a public school? I think this is where the "get what you deserve line" is questionable. This past week I have been meeting with all the parents of the children in my program. At the end of my little talk I give I ask if there is anything they would like to talk about with me. A hand full of them spoke about their frustrations with the public school system in nyc. Their problems range from: school buses that seem to cater to the wealthy children, the after school programs that are held at the schools which cost thousands of dollars each semester, to the supply list at the start of the school year which the total cost adds up to 150 dollars for each child. And when they advocate for their child to the board of education, so often their words are lost in the system. AMERICA? Is this where we are at? Letting poverty define people from birth: giving them less then what they deserve? from my eye level it seems like the school are ok with this. and i know that there are huge financial problems in the school system. for instance if the kids don't supply the teacher paper, the classroom will have no paper at all. but in today's financial market were even the rich are struggling...are we willing to ask those who are poor for every last penny? and will they only gain a right to advocate for their child's education when that penny is handed over?

does the right to a good education only come when the check is written?

i went to a conference once were a women spoke about the word "busy". she told a story of a lady waiting in line to buy coffee behind her one morning. she said the women was crazy impatient...clearly trying to annoy the people in front of her to order faster. the facilitator said that instead of getting annoyed she bought the women's coffee for her (the women was shocked) and said, "welcome to your new life". i love that story. america loves the word busy. how many times do you hear that, "oh how are you?" "oh busy". its easy to be busy, and some how people like to tell people how busy they are. poo. i say challenge yourself to chill. we all have schedules up the wazoo. we all have strings pulling us in every direction. this is life. saying this i respect the person who can take a breathe and enjoy it all. "oh how are you" "wonderful, thanks. enjoying the color of the leaves" how much more beautiful, how much more welcoming, how much more positive. loosen the chains of the american phrases. and let yourself surprise everyone. take the bad and make it good. make the good, great. and let the great multiply. open up...and let your new life be welcomed in. because this is too good to miss.

i would describe myself as a person who struggles with patience. yet as i look back at the last few years i think patience is actually an over-arching theme. subconsciously i knew 4 years ago, while living in the conservative mid-west that i could not handle giving myself the freedom to explore who i was. at that time in my life if i would have known what i know now, i would have been in a constant struggle with myself. i had to be patient. slowly, oh so slowly. the universe granted me opportunities to live in places that would give me time. time to try on new philosophises. and friendships that gave me room to ask questions (apart from the rules boxes from my youth). and then i could safely ask: WHO AM I? i let the question settle. for years. my new york family listened, gave me reassurance in my answers (or lack there of). clearly as i have been figuring this all out these last few years i have always known who i was, who i am. but timing has to be right. now i can accept. now i can celebrate. now i can laugh. how upsurd it is, i am the opposite of what i fought to be my whole childhood. yet with this separation of space and of time. i see that its beautiful. this situation/how the universe works. i may be years behind my counterparts in self discovery. but for me. its just right. growing up i was taught that God will give you only what you can handle. i may question who this God is now...but whoever she or he is, i still believe that she does only give me what i can handle. patience. patience. patience.

all good things will come in time.