i am today. wishing it didnt take so long. for equality. for understanding. for health care rights. for gay rights. for education. i wish the newest generation could come into a world were all is equal...or at least were they have health care and could marry anyone they loved. and maybe one where we weren't at war. that would be nice too.

but change takes time. equality takes time. and fear is the scariest thing to get over.

and i ramble...make little sense sometimes. but i do know. that in 100 years all new people. and all the same problems.

hello world.

wow how you change on a dime. in the most wonderful moments in time. i think back to how beautiful this life has been for me. incredibly beautiful. gratefulness is flowing out of every inch and centimeter of me. i hope i show that. i hope i live that.

i do not deserve. and you do. i guess we all deserve happiness and love and opportunities. i want that for you. and i am thankful when it comes to me. and it has.

i think the thing i am learning right now in the midst of this greatness is that the best things in life. are not fame or success. those are funny. but not the best..the best things are still the simple things: family, friends, and love.

i have been wowed to tears these past weeks. but the moments when i am in awe is still in times of love. how good to know the greatest happiness. the most perfect times are for everyone's taking. are free. and here.

these weeks of amazement will end. they will. but love will continue.

i am so thankful.

this is the end. of something.

i took down all the pictures hanging in my office that the kids have drawn for me over the past two years. my parents came yesterday i took home everything (furniture and all) that i'm not bringing to orlando. and i'm changing my address. this portion of my life is almost done.

and yet this past weekend reminded me that life has a way of never really changing. i still love who i love. i still believe what i believe. i still am at the core who i have always been. and these facts are indeed basic. yet when one is searching. finding which labels they want to stick on themselves...and when those labels are often surprising to the person. the idea that i have never actually changed is affirming. (and a little scary).

but there is peace. i knowing sometimes its hard to get over things. to move on. to be in the moment. to not wish that this or that happened. or i made a different choice.

still. we move on. i am moving on. leaving some things in this city and taking all the love and the lessons i learned here with me. to where ever i go. orlando...california...europe...brooklyn...who knows. and i am taking a deep breathe before i leave, knowing that there are so many more things to learn. and so many more times i will realize i am just me. and that is good enough.

everyday of my life there are little wow moments. times when i remember how beautiful the world is or how powerful love is. then there are BIG wow moments. when you are just floored by the craziness of the situation. the first time going to the tony awards...my first night hike...and such. today was one of the biggest wow moments of my life. Orlando made the official announcement today: Kyle and I are in the top 10 for 67 Days of Smiles!!! my heart can't stop racing! I am thrilled to head down to Orlando next week for interviews and fun-filled activities! follow every step of our journey in the minutes and day to come!

www.kyleandstaceysmile.com

my summers before i moved to the city were spent in the michigan woods. teaching kids how to canoe, telling stories around a camp fire, and making s'mores. those were the most amazing summers of my life: the most amazing experiences.

at night far after the sun went down we would take walks in the woods. the trees were so full of leaves that even the moonlight had a hard time coming through. before your eyes adjusted to the darkness it would be hard to even see your hand if you put it right in front of your eyes. eventually you would see. but never clearly, just a hazy outline of the path and trees. maybe a few red raccoon eyes here and there. and still we walked. never really knowing what was 5 feet in front of us. we trusted that we knew the path well enough from our hikes during the day. you trusted. and it was beautiful. in the simplest of ways.

to be there. with the moon. the shooting stars. the maple trees. and with the darkness. to know every time we started a night hike that my eyes would adjust and it would be fine. the path in front of me would show up as i walk.

it will show up. it always does in life. i trust.

when i was little i would often put an eye-patch on and run into the woods with my friends to explore. we would climb trees, hunt worms, and try to catch fish with our hands. and for all the many times we explored the same patch of woods we always found something new.

as i grow-up it's funny to see how little i have changed. kyle and i spent this past weekend exploring the city...as always we found so many new and amazing things! my favorite was three old sail boats, all lined up against an old dock on the west side. we climbed up to the highest point on the largest boat, right under the sail and layed down. looking at the big dark sky and dreaming. daring to say what life would look like in our wildest imaginations (which is actually pretty close to how life really is). and we found shooting stars and wish upon them (by shooting stars i mean airplanes...there are actually no shooting stars in new york city).

it was magical.

i am going to make it a life goal to never stop exploring and wishing on shooting stars. i hope you do the same...look up...dream...wish...believe...life is what you make it to be.

dreaming....

i have been having the most incredibly dreams lately. it's always a touch disappointing in the morning to realize that all the interesting stuff i did while i slept was actually not reality. my response??? to dream BIG in my waking hours. i mean, why not...right? we have one life. one chance to live it up. i intend too.

but here's the thing. the one very important part to day dreaming that we often miss is believing. we HAVE to believe. that what we want to do. what we want to be. where we want to go. it can happen. it will happen. plan your life accordingly...and prepare for those dreams to come true.

why not? amazing things happen all the time. why can't they happen to YOU?! Si? YES! so what are you dreaming about...what is distracting you from your daily tasks...think about it...dream about it...and ask, how can i make this dream my reality. 

now don't get me wrong. i don't think happiness or love can come from dreams fulfilled. happiness and love is something we have, it is not given to us.  but what will come is a GREAT adventure. a wonderful story. and a life with no regrets. no take-backs. 

so i dare to dream. BIG...

i hope you do too. why not? 

believe in your dreams and in yourself. 

yes, this is my family

my older brother ben is coming to see me this weekend. the unique thing is that he is not coming by car or airplane, ben is sailing to nyc from Florida. as i write this he is in the middle of the ocean, probably surrounded by dolphins, and out of reach of the world.
yup, this is my family in a nutshell.

my parents raised my two siblings and i without fears of taking on crazy adventures. even when we were little they would let me bike miles away from home, without a helmet...just as long as i called when i arrived. as we got older the adventures became more extreme. ben solo hiked the Appalachian trail and then built a raft and rafted down the Mississippi river (the press loved that one...a modern day tom sawyer). then my family went to Israel for awhile. my dad had us going to the craziest places when we were there...no other tourists in sight.

at the end of college i decided to take a trip of my own. i went to Guatemala, without being able to speak a word of spanish. i co-led a backpacking trips in the wilderness to raise money for Guatemalan orphans. at the end i tooled around the country alone...it was beautiful!

but of course my family keeps going bigger and better. my brother became a captain of a sailboat and lived in the caribbean for a while; as i moved to NYC to work with kids in the inner-city. my parents are loving all the stories we tell!

which is why when my mom heard of 67 days of smiles on the Today Show she called me immediately...she knows me better then anyone. and she knows Kyle extremely well too. yesterday she called to see how our audition video was going...she is super excited for the possibility of another crazy adventure in store for one of her kids.

i love my family. i love that they encourage us to live our lives to the full...as my dad says 'what's life if you don't live it on the edge"...oh and he's a pastor :)

when i was in first grade my parents gave me a pair of rollerskates for my birthday. as the story goes i feel in love with those skates. the minute i woke-up i put them on. i would brush my teeth in them, make my bed in them, and eat my lunch in them. they made me happy...really happy.

every time my parents tell this story, my siblings laugh SO hard. To them what is funny is not just my past obsession with rollerskates, but that i essentially haven't changed from when i was seven.

i still go through my times of pure and wholesome obsession. from longboarding to writing music...i take on new hobbies and do not put them down tell i'm good at whatever it is. last year when i bought my longboard i had no idea how to ride...but i worked on it and i worked on it. today i can ride home on 5th avenue between cars with no problem.

which all leads to my new obsession: Orlando, Florida. seriously. ever since Kyle and i decided to apply for 67 Days of Smiles i have become addicted to the possibility. i am watching ever video on Orlando that youtube, Orlando tourism sites, and the travel channel have to offer. and i am inhaling tons of facts...for instance the first amusement park was created in Orlando because there is a river that bubbles 98.5 percent pure. so they made the first glass bottom boat for people to take a ride on the river and see all the wildlife. too much information??? maybe for you...not for me, i only want more information! eeeeee!

ok, i am distracted. and i got very little sleep last night due to this new found obsession. oh man...ORLANDO i think i have a crush on you!

whoa! lately all i can think is "i want this and i want that". today i caught the negative cycle. no no no, i will have none of that. i have LOVE. i have FAMILY. i have good things. and i have what i need. life IS good. my oh my.

we all know life is what we make it, this is no secret. and so i am going to make my life great. good. perfect (or as perfect it can be). i know my happiness does not live in the future. it is right here, next to me wanting me to hold on to it. and i will.

sure the tides change, hardships come into our lives and they leave. and still it is us who creates it to be whatever it is: good or bad.

so today i smile. as i am stretched and pulled. tired and weary...i smile. i am happy. things are good.

(but i continue to dream: of roller coasters and ice cream)

Kyle and I are applying to be the hosts for 67 Days of Smiles in Orlando, Florida

Check out the videos we made for it:

Deleted clips

Welcome (hola)

and join our facebook group:

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=531858484833&ref=mf

LOVE to you ALL!

caterpillar caterpillar caterpillar

being a girl scout troop leader for little 5 and 6 year olds offers up tons of laughs every week. their view of life is so hilarious...oh man.

we are currently working on earning our nature badge. so last night we took a walk around the housing projects looking for things in nature we could sketch. on our walk we found a caterpillar hanging out on a tree. the girls were immediately enthralled. so i ran into my office and grabbed my caterpillar house (yup i own one of those) and placed the little guy...who they named Sammie Cookies inside.

as i check-up on him this morning to make sure he is happy i got to thinking how AMAZING caterpillars are. i mean, i think that the awesomeness of something changing from a worm-like creature to a butterfly is one of the greatest examples of beauty in this world. and a great metaphor (i'm love metaphors).

this little caterpillars and us have so many things in common. we have a great purpose to our existence. we are here to make the world more beautiful then before we came. and i intend to put all my energy into create a place of beauty in this world. i will fail at times and i will succeed at times. but always i will be changing...challenging myself...and striving to create more beauty.

cross your fingers.

we live our lives with crossed fingers. holding onto hope with the tightest grip. because we know...we know where we want to go. what we want to do. who we want to be. life is not a guessing game. nope, its a hoping game. so we sit in the waiting room of life. holding all our lucky charms hoping our number gets called.

i say. let go of the lucky charms. uncross those fingers of yours. they are just ways we try to tell ourselves that our happiness is out of our hands. i don't know about you, but i'm not having it. you are good. you are GREAT. we all are and this will happen for you. whatever "this" is: maybe LOVE, a great gig, a good friend, an amazing job...it will happen.

i mean. i do believe in positive energy and all those good things that help us lead content lives. but i'm more into positive action. you know? doing what you need to do to get wherever you want to go. 

i guess i'm writing all this, cause it's my time to take some positive action. step it up and do it all. take a breathe. grab a coffee. and jump on the train. bring the good luck charms if you like the look of them. but remember YOU are the luckiest of them all. 

the twenties: the new twenties

the decade of identity. i mean we all go through it, right? im not the only one on this treasure hunt seeking out happiness. love. purpose. a home. i know i can't be. this is what modern times has granted us: a whole decade to find ourselves and define ourselves. and what does it inevitably turn into? years of constant change. people moving to new york. getting rash haircuts. finding new friends. new apartments. trying new career paths. having some joys and some let downs. in the end we all ask ourselves if this is the life we wanted. i mean lets be honest: our life up to this point was built so we could be happy now. between our parents feeding us. paying for schooling. studying. working minimum wage jobs. building a resume...all of it. has been so we could be successful and happy right now. pressure. so we ask? are we happy??? some days yes. and then the day will come that we say no. for any number of different reasons. so we respond. we look around the next corner to see if our happiness is there: graduate school, different belief systems, new cities or new friends. and usually we will find our happiness there: but only for a fleeting moment. because as the lesson goes; happiness is either in you or its not. you receive fame, win the lottery, find great love: soon enough the burst of happiness that came along with that will sneak out the back door and leave you searching for another corner. to find another burst. today i am there...wanting to find that new great feeling of a new source of happiness. BUT im forcing myself to stop. lay in the level of joy i am in. and find a new definition of happiness. one that doesn't come along with a change or an 'if only' scenario. i mean i am content. warmly content with my life. maybe its true that my butterfly crush feelings toward nyc are slowly creaking out the backdoor. but it is good. i am good. and happiness is always good. whatever it means for you. and whatever you need to do for it to be with you.

Update, check-out where I'm working now: Send Flowers.

life. each moment is borrowed time.
and each person we let ourselves care about is just another loss somewhere down the line.
remember before the line comes: all the love. all the joy. and all the good.
live a life with a lot to lose.

i want to remember how i feel right now. in this moment. holding back the little bit of tears. my heart racing. and thankfulness all over the place. love comes in all shapes and forms and situations. today it came in a goodbye. of someone who i havent known for very long. but has turned my heart inside out. and in again. its good...i know it is to have love come in, even just for a short time. even if it hurts like hell when it leaves. even so you had it. i had it. and this love made me think and question. and realize something. my heart is full of love. but i can always fit more.

and so we said goodbye. and i love yous. and the world keeps spinning.

Call me a fool. But I always learn the hard way, always. I do things before I think about it. or I make a promise and cant break it. or I leap without knowing if there is any ground underneath me. Sometimes the ground appears…and sometimes it just doesn’t…and I fall…and keeping falling. BUT i always learn. Indeed, there is always a lesson in every mistake and in every success.

I sometimes wonder why I put myself through the ringer: why I do it to my body. My heart? My spirit? Ohhhhhh man. But we have to, don’t we? I don’t think its just me. We have an addiction to emotion: the lows and the highs. I throw myself into it with the slightest possibility of receiving love. we do it. we HAVE to!

We have no option then to put ourselves out there. In this world you can sit on your sofa, or you can let the world twist you around. So we spin and we SPIN!!! until one of those days comes when the world stops. and You can take a step back and see how much you have learned. how much you have been bruised. How far you have come. The dreams that have come true. And all you can say…or at least all I can say is WOAH! Just woah. Deary me. And just hug yourself and say thanks. For surviving it all…and THRIVING in it all (ok, so not thriving everyday…sometimes crying. Don’t hold it against me…it happens). Then grabbing on to the most stable thing around you cause you know that any instant the world is going to grab you again and start spinning you like crazy. Because we always have more to learn and experience and ponder. More valleys to fall into and more beautiful things to see. This life gets more real every day we live.

in the end we just have to hold on tight. soak it all in. and LIVE it all up...our realities are always going to be changing. our hearts always going to be evolving. we will never be exactly where we are in this moment. but dont try to control it. or morph it into what you want it to be. just place your desires into the universe. and let it all go. it will come. or maybe it wont. but it will all be good...and constant...and incredible...and hard...and real...and beautiful...and true.

maybe the best part of my job (minus the cute i love you's and pictures i receive of me as a princess) is teaching. sometimes when people ask me what i do i respond by saying: im working to do my part to create wholestic human beings. its funny. 

lately my kids have started to call each other gay...of course when they come into my office to talk about what happened they swear they meant happiness :). whenever this situation comes up i have talk i always give. the talk starts by learning the definitions of minorities and majorities.  

then i draw a 'pie' that represents all the people living in america. i divide the pie into 8 slices and have the child label how many slices are taken up by the majority in america (caucasian) and how many slices for the minority (which he said was black, Hispanic, those who are gay and french people). i then asked the child if everyone screams...what group would you hear the most? of course the answer is the majority (in this case...caucasian). the talk ends by saying: as humans its our job to stand up and speak up for ALL those who have no voice...for the people we can not hear. today the kid turned to me and said, "wow" in this overwhelmed type of voice...like all of a sudden he has a whole lot of work ahead of him.

and he does. we all do have a load of work ahead of us to stand up. speak up. work hard. rally. and LOVE.

i made french toast early this morning. before i headed into work. it was delicious and reminded me i should eat breakfast more.

ok so its a snow day. and i googled love. im interested. ive been thinking about love's limitations a lot. you know? those who say 'because i love you. i want to tell you that you are hurting yourself by ________(fill in the blank)'. is love acceptance of someone at all costs? acceptance of them when they live inside your denifitions? acceptance of them only when they give what you want?

does judgement-fear-honesty-secrets...do they have a role in love? do i love people if i am not completly honest with them (especially about the big things in life). what if they do not want to hear...are they in turn not loving me?

this brings me to my next point. wiki said that love is not only a noun but a verb, of course. so could someone have love for me (noun) but not love me (verb). there is a seperation there. and am i only in love when i have both? love noun+love verb=real great LOVe. huh.

i want to love the universe. the good things and the bad things. i want to love my taxi drivers. the homeless man on the corner. the mcdonalds employee who makes my hot chocoate. strangers. dogs (im working on it). friends. lovers. family. oh i WANT to love.

love as defined (by wiki):

Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection and attachment. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. Love is not a single feeling but an emotion built from two or more feelings. Anything vital to us creates more than one feeling, and we also have feelings about our feelings (and thoughts about our feelings). This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.

i like the idea of love not being its own feeling: but a combination of multiple feelings. and that it is sooo CRaZy hard to define. its good and complicate and not that important and very important.

ok. so. what is the line. the feelings. the hiding agenda. the complications. the underlying meaning. the assumptions. with love???

in the end. i want to love you where you are at. for who you are. your joys. your flaws (of what you think are your flaws). you tears. your cranky mornings. and loud nights. i want to be there. with no judgement. no assumptions. no underlying meanings except that i am here. cause i love you.

maybe its selfish. 'do unto others as you want done unto you' right? of course! i seek to be loved where i am at. with little judgement and a whole lot of laughs. to me. that is what love is.

sooo. i will try. to love you.

LOVE. its a huge word. HUGE. its used a lot. i use it a lot. in very non-definable ways. but ive been thinking about it. and love to me these last few months have been revealed in specific ways:

love is acceptance.

of people wherever they are. whatever they are thinking. if they have boundaries. it they are needing something. if they are questioning, or wondering. its accepting them where they are and not asking them to be anything but what they are now. i cannot ask them to give me love or be ok with a part of me....if they are not there. love is loving people now.

love is boundaries.

knowing when to say no. when to say maybe. and when to say yes. knowing what you can give. what you want to give. and not letting people cross your boundaries. love is taking care of yourself, so you can love.

love is growing.

love is knowing that relationships/friendships/strangers/people are always changing. love is giving people room to grow with you. learn together. cry together. and letting people change major answers...and having understanding in it all.

love is honest.

not being afraid of saying 'nope i can't give that right now'...'i would like this, how about you?'...'i want you to know, cause i love you'....and never being afraid of putting it out there. stopping the games in your head...the maybe this will happen or maybe that will happen. but speaking the words you need to say and then letting life really happen.

love is open.

to learn. to live. to hurt. to look. to know. to speak. to laugh. to be. whoever you are.

I write music. All the time. on paper. In my head. On the bus. In my room. It’s the most organic, honest, and therapeutic thing I do. And for a long time…it was just for me. For me to celebrate. Or mourn. Or explain. Or enjoy.

Being in front of people (not just 2…like usual) and playing…and singing these lyrics that I wrote for her or him…knowing what they meant to me when I wrote them (and what they mean to me now). Opening up in that space…was scarier then i EVER could have imagined it to be. And more beautiful then I ever thought it would be. Singing my music live…man, its like pulling out my heart and letting it talk: my confessions, my longings, my needs, my weaknesses…and letting anyone who wants to pay a 5 dollar cover listen in :).

My mind was bouncing from one thought to another the whole time I was up there: how much I am loved…to why the hell am I doing this…opps I totally just went flat…eeeeee…oh man my music is adorable…is that what i want to be? adorable…oh crap everyone’s looking at me….whats the lyric??? oh my!!! thoughts.

Funny thing is. When I was done with it. I wasn’t the greatest or even all that good. But singing is a fear of mine, and I did it…so in my mind that was amazing. And now? Im addicted. Singing live is like riding a rollercoaster. i might be scared to my bones…but when you are done…you feel so proud and your adrenaline is sooo high…its like ok that shit was awesome.

I don’t know. Maybe this whole thing is just about proving something…mostly to myself that I was wrong. My senior year in high school I visited the college I ended up going to…while I was there I saw their improv team perform. The team was really small…and hard to get into it. After the show was done I told my dad I wanted to be on the team…he’s response was that I should just enjoy the shows…its hard to get on. Oh man, then I REALLY wanted to do it…so I tried out and got on. In the end? yea I totally wasn’t that good, but I know it was about more about making the team then actually doing improv.

Sooo…connecting this: my whole life I have been a crappy singer. Im not lying. Everyone knows it…they told me. It was a running joke J when I was in a musical the sound guys would turn off my mic during the songs…oh man.

I have to prove myself wrong. When I think I can’t…that’s when I always try an insane amount to see if I really can. I didn’t grow up in a family that said, ‘you can be anything you want to be’ and now that im actually starting to believe that…im going to test that principle to the limit.

Anyway…lesson of the week: do not let anyone tell you that you can’t do something, even yourself. Yup…cheesy quotes are sometimes the way to go.

"i do it for the joy it brings

because i'm a joyful girl

because the world owes me nothing

and we owe each other the world

i do it because it's the least i can do"

sometimes i just need ani to remind me.

the most amazing. the MOST.

took a short cab ride today. me and my guitar. the cabbie and i hit it off. talked about martin luther king (its his day...or was). then about the cabbie's life. and mine. somehow we started talking about the theme's of our lives. we could only choose one word to describe our life. i choose 'Freedom'. he choose 'Ocean'. i like his. we talked about how short life is. he said that it should be all about fun. how could i not agree? 

in the end i gave him a good tip. i had an experience with him and i wanted to say thank you. when he saw what i tipped on the credit card machine thing...he said 'stacey this is to much'. so he got out cash from his wallet and paid me back half my fair. we SPLIT my fair.

i love new york. LOVE it. in the end i gave him my unused email address...he sent me this today:

Hey Stacey how is it going
Listen lol
you are awesome and keep up the great attitude girl.....I'm dead serious.
you are the best

i'm just saying....life can be magical. amazingly magical.

I guess all I needed to get out of my funk was to get pooped on by a bird. So thank you seagull, or whoever you are. I needed my luck to turn around. And I think you might have done that for me.

Time after time these last few days I have realized my potential for loving. There are people in my life currently that I could love so much. SO much. And if I was given the chance…wow I would start to have a lot to lose.

Thankfulness and gratefulness. These words will never cover what I feel for the opportunities the universe has given me. I was born wearing golden shoes. I could fall hard…have a lower low…and I would never be lost in the multitude. There are too many people watching out for me. Caring for me. Loving me.

When I see those who are becoming lost…even when their small hearts do not know it. That’s when I know my capacity to love. Its my purpose in life to be there. To live a life that has a lot to lose.

Oh my heart. My learning heart.

‘I am special. I’m the only one.
I’m the only one of me.’

Those lyrics are sooo funny now. I used to sing that song over and over again in school when I was little. Teaching the all valuable American lesson that we are individuals…we each are one of a kind and no one can be anything like us. HUH? This song is really interesting considering I went to a Christian elementary school. Clearly they wanted us to learn that we each are made in God’s image. And individually are saved by God’s grace. That after all is what makes Christianity ‘special’…that we are brought into a personal relationship with God himself.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic. Mostly just because I’ve found myself singing this song a few too many times this past week. And then once in the middle of the song I was like, WHAT…what am I singing???....i’m the only one of me. Is that what is so special about me…that I’m the only one?

I wondered what kind of person I would have become…or would have been as a child if I was taught instead that what is special about being me is not that i’m one of a kind…but that I am ‘one’ with everything. Of course I have my talents….but they are only useful when they are placed into the mix of the earth. And I have my weakness…which is where other people’s talents lie…and with the combined two (with our powers combined we create captain planet) OK…so with all of our strengths we are actually strong. So I know that sounds simple…and a little strange…flow with me…

I am not one of a kind. I am one with the earth. One with mankind. One with love. With this belief I understand that we are not all different, yet we are all the same. All longing for, looking for, needing, seeking, and moving toward similar ends. I have the ability to be empathtic since I have felt pain too. I have the abililty to listen because I have been there. I have the ability to change, since the earth is constantly recreating itself. A leaf falls and I understand its wandering spirit. The sun wakes early to shine, I understand its warming soul. You cry and I am there in the place where my tears once were.

We are special. Because we are a WE. Depending on eachother. Laughing with one another. Loving strangers and friends alike. We are strong in our strings that connect us. And weak in our individualism.

ive been on a recent kick of honesty with myself and the earth. i suppose that once you start asking yourself the big questions: ie 'who are you' then the questions just keep rollin' on out. i won't lie...i kind of love this honesty thing. im not reading into others actions (as much) or wondering what will happen to me or what people think. i have been trying to just say what i think and take the responses as they come.

even when it comes to talking to myself, which is the hardest person to be honest with. YEt the honesty (ok, i know i'm using this word WAY to much) has been good. i look and feel and act how i actually feel in the inside...which hasn't happened in a long time. its beautiful. hello me. i seem to enjoy you...now that you aren't trying to please so many people. people pleasing is not a fun side job.

honesty said that i wasn't living the if i wanted. that i didn't look like me. that i was holding onto beliefs just to have them. that i was telling you something just so you would love me. that i was holding back my words for some so i wouldn't be rejected. poo. that is hard shit. pretending and trying.

and this honesty kick is having a great affect on me and the current love of my life: my seagull guitar. After finishing a song and recording it last night…I had this moment of ‘shit. This music is kind of really awesome’. Its been a recent occurrence after years of writing that my music has started to feel and sound very me. I feel like I am pushing myself to play the guitar in more unique ways and giving myself the lack of boundaries needed to flow with whatever shenanigans comes out of my mouth. Which has turned into some of the most beautiful/creative experiences I have had in years. it is becoming harder and harder for me to sacrifice playing and writing time to do things. Which makes me sound like a complete loner. I now totally understand people who have lived in a cabin for months with just them and their guitar. That sounds CRAZY amazing. Ummm…st. johns and me and my guitar. delicious idea.

its kind of like the line 'what i don't know won't hurt me' (which i have talked about before). it makes me soooo frustrated....soooo i'm trying to live in the opposite of it. you know? i'm going to be honest with you. and with me. and its going to be weird. and beautiful. and hard. for you to deal and for me to deal. but us talking and asking questions and patiently struggling through it will bring us to this amazing place. i know it.

the funny thing about it. is if i'm really honest about it all...i would have to say that i don't know what the hell i'm doing. except that i'm trying: to be me. to love you. to speak my thoughts. to be. we will see. fingers crossed that honesty is actually the best policy!!!!!

the world is one tuff cookie. Sweet mercy. It is what it is. But it is NOT ok. We all know this. But sometimes it becomes overwhelming. You see 'this or that' which has to be fixed. And a person who is at the bad end of an injustice. A child in a foster home. A kid struggling with morals. A parent teaching stereotypes to their child: and their child knowing no better.

There are proposals to write. And conversations to have. And tears to cry. And hope to live on. Ah hope! You are my lifeline. My phone a friend. Yes Regis, I don’t know how I’m going to make it to the end of the day…I would like to phone a friend…HOPE. Eeee!

Today I was like ‘nope world. No thank-you. Could you just go ahead and fix all the sad? I would appreciate it.’ Because this is hard and I am struggling. And changes are slow and not always steady.

The only thing I know to do is breathe and reconnect to why. Why I am here. Soo..i had a meeting with a 5 year old. meetings with kids always make me happy. She was funny. i asked her if there is anything she would like to say to me…she replied, “you look like money.” I asked her why. She didn’t know (interesting, interesting). I told her that she looked like happy. She said that she is happy. I asked why? And she pointed at me. brilliant.

And I was back in it again.
Sad exists. But we are stronger.
Hate exists. But we are wiser.
Fear exists. But we are LOVE.

I need to hold onto the belief that all is good.
that LOVE is powerful
that laughter will heal all wounds of sadness.
And we can do this.
Change the world for good.
Make things better.
For them. For you. For me.
For us. Collectively.
It will be good.
It will be LOVE.
Cause it can not be anything else.

some say fear not hate is the opposite of love. how true that seems to be. love at its core after all is an honest explosion of positive emotions. it says look at me...see me...hear me...feel me...i am here for you. and i respect you and respect me enough to be open and not fear the words that i am going to speak.

fear my friend is all about lack of honesty. understanding that words are hard and scary and when they come out...there is no taking them back. fear says i don't know who you are and i'm afraid of the hurt you could bring. fear stops you from smiling to a stranger. loving a friend. stops you from trying new possibilities. and seeking to ventures. fear believes that we are more different then we are the same. fear says i can't.

love believes...it has to...that there is more connecting us then dividing us. it is rooted in this belief. if i open my heart. and share my feelings or my struggles or my joys....i am believing that the love between you and me...the human connection will find some understanding in my honesty. it will say: i feel your pain. i hope for your good. i see where you are coming from. i am you. you are me. and because of our love we are in this together.

fear once again says: i choose to not understand...but walk away or look down or move to the next car on the train. fear starts fights and wars. fear creates divisions. and gives power to power hungry. fear doesn't listen.

love. oh LOVE. thank you.

moments when love is on our lips. or in the air. or in our hands....those times are crazy scary. they create defining moments in our lifes. when we know we can't go back to how things were before. our view of the world, of each other, and of ourselves changes. saying this i understand why fear is an easier choice then love. once love is the choice we made...who knows where its going to take us in life. YET how exiting is that? how thrilling the possibility of what love could do in a single day to change us???

be LOVE. choose LOVE. seek LOVE.
let LOVE define you.
completely.
totally.
all the time.

we have the choice to create the life we want. (i know hello oprah). but we ReALLy do. a life of risk. a life of love. a life of settlement. a life of patience. a life of adventure. what do you want? what do you have? do they match-chances are some but not all. let them! make it so. you are the only one who is going to do that for you. so step up and speak out and act accordingly.

wow this past year. really WOW. good job universe: throwing us into it all and knowing we will come out the other end. i feel a bit (and this is dramatic) but that my life was a little like dorothy in the wizard of oz...with all black and white style scenes. things were great: nice and dependable, ultra dependable. and then boom you meet a stranger...a tornado rolls in...you go into some world were everyone is different and animals talk...then the stranger turns out to be a pseudo wizard. ok, so not that far. but defiantly the black and white scenes...meet some strangers who open up a new whole world to you...tornado...learn a lot about yourself bit.

my kiddies are back. its AMAZING to see them. they are sooo much my heart. there is one in particular who has grown SO much in the time i have known him. how he talks, his ability to create, and deal....he is a different person. today as he was telling me a story he was making up on the spot about a dead pig who came to life in his classroom then ran to DC and jumped on obama's head. in the end the pig ran all over the white house writing his name on the walls..."PIG". :) the whole time he was telling me the story i couldn't help but be CrAZY happy. he has grown so much in his development. a year ago there was no way he could create a story that had a start, middle, and an end. he is growing up. for a minute i wished i was where he is now. with all the possibilities ahead of him, time to learn, and soo many new things to discover. the moment quickly came to a halt when i realized that i'm still there: we all are still there...still growing up and learning how to write out story with a start, middle and an end.

in my day to day i have the chance to change. my life and thanks to the universe...others people's lifes too...we each do. maybe thats why i love strangers. every time i talk to someone on the train, or the homeless person on the street, or my waiter....i have another opportunity to learn how connected we all are. to be taught a lesson. to make a friend. to share my love. i can't get enough. i really can't! my friend was joking around the other day when a waiter invited me to his recording studio to record some of my music. she said to get a list of my friends you would have to hand someone the new york city phonebook. i can't help myself.

life is meant to be discovered. i am putting it out there. and saying this year...i am good enough. no questioning. no wondering. no second guessing. my songs are meant to be song. my dreams are meant to be followed through on. my love is meant to be given away. why would the universe grant us a gift...of song or love or peace or inspiration...other for them to be shared?

soooo. open up your phonebook and let the people know. you have something...you have everything to give! let everyone see it and live it with you and with each other. life is meant to be lived in color...TECHNICOLOR color. place yourself in the tornado. and be ready to grOW. AH! its all to brilliant.

to be brave.

my new years resolution.

to sing it.
to say it.
to believe it.
to know it.
to do it.
to live it.
to love it.

all of it.
every "it" there is.

try.
fail.
learn.
try.
succeed.
see.
celebrate.
try.
fail.
constant.
constant.

each time i am brave. even if the situation doesn't turn out the way i was hoping or planning. i did what i had to. i said what i thought. i was there. and put it out there. and lived life. cause we only get one. no regrets.

i am brave. i am going to be brave. i have been brave and it has gotten me here. so i will be brave.