i have goosebumps. and wonderful feelings beaming around me. and goodness. and love. and wonder for the future week. month. and years ahead of me.

but as we all do...i have a rock. in a very hard place. it can be lived and worked around. but its there, it always will be. here is my rock....its a simple phrase, "what i don't know, doesn't hurt me". a simple motto that many love to live by. their reason for living by it? maybe for safety. security. peace. to be able to live nicely in the world that is around them: or the world that they created around them. and they don't want to know.

OK...they don't want to know so it doesn't hurt them. BUT what if lack of knowing hurts someone else??? then what is gained? someone has to pay the price. poo. really POO. there will always be differences in opinions and philosophies and religion and understanding. yes, of course. but WOW.

LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. start and end and middle.........LOVE.

how the hell did i get here??? i really don't know. but i LOVE it. really L O V E it. life is insane.

we spend are childhood and adolescents creating us. trying things out and failing and trying something else. seeing what we are good at. what we actually like to do. who we enjoy surrounding ourselves with. starting to dress and define ourselves in particular ways. people say, "oh you will be this or that...you will be a kind person...or you are going to change the world...such and such". all these adults around us tell us that they can't wait to see us grow-up. we are being and we are creating.

then hello today comes. the day when we have created. we are living and doing and grown (ish). of course we are still changing. but at 24, we are something. we are no longer building definitions around us, but we are living in the definitions we have written these past years. we have found the people we enjoy, the jokes we like, the passions we have. we are in this crazy 'adulthood'. we are of course just as blank minded and awkward. YEt...we are who we are.

as i was meeting with a parent in my program, one of my kids came into my office to pick up a pencil. while she was going through the pencil drawer the 2nd grader looked at me and asked "ms. stacey do you have any kids". nope, not one...and not for awhile. she informed me that i should have kids. then the parent asked me how old i was....i told her, 24. i can't explain the reaction in the way it actually happened. this women took a deep breathe in and said she had to sit down. i was laughing so hard. she was freaking out. i asked her how old she though i was...she said by maturity, 30 or 32. then she just sat there, eyes wide open saying, "24 year old white girl working with inner city kids" she said it over and over again. now if she only saw the mess in my room she would know better. but maybe the crazier part of this story for me is that i feel like i'm 16 most of the time. 30...i hope i'm a lot more organized when i'm actually 30.

the same women came into my office today to give me a christmas gift. it was lotion with the word 'seduction' in the title. i smiled, said thanks...and told her that i might get a little love in my life if i wear this stuff. without a beat she said, "girl...you already have LOVE in your life''. she is more then right.

i leave for home (michigan) in 20 minutes. i haven't been there in 8 months. its always wonderful and amazing to see all these people i grew-up with. it reminds me how great life is. how thankful i am for everyone who couldnt wait to watch me grow up. and home shows me how much i have grown.....and how much i will always stay that little dutch girl who loved to climb trees.

the division between us and the universe...us and the past...us and the future...us and nature...between me and you...is soooo thin. i am the universe. i am the past. i am the future. i am nature. i am you and you are me. its simple and complicated and amazing and crazy and true. i wish the best for you. when you are your best, i am my best too. when the universe spins in harmony and peace. when the stars are in their places. when we live a life that will make tomorrow better then today. when i look back at the past to see where i have fallen and what i have learned. then, yes then. i am being. being in my place as a small thing, a beautiful thing that can change so much if i understand that i am changing only along with the forces of love that move in and through us all. i believe in the goodness of you. i believe that your goodness pours out of you and into me. and helps create my goodness. i could never be good on my own. it is you. and her. and him. and all of them pushing all of us to be good. and beautiful. and loving.

i imagine the divine to be a constant invisible wave of love and beauty and inspiration and drive and being the moves like the wind...but not just in one direction. that it goes and comes back and goes and comes back. when she passes through you are me or a stranger or a sunflower that the wave takes us by surprise raises us for a moment to believe and understand that life is a gift. and that we have the opportunity and the need to spread her reminders of all these wonderful on...constantly. in my life i want to create a place of acceptance. of joy. and of love. wherever i go, and with whoever i meet.

the universe is huge. the planets. the stars. the sun. the moon. the earth. the continents. the seas. the cities. the streets. and in it all there is you. and here is me. knowing you are a small is an amazing realization. that puts everything in perspective. while also helping you realize that life is completely not understandable. i will never really know what is going on around me, let alone way out there. YET i am here. and you are there. and we are small important pieces of love in this HUGE universe of ours.

Emotion is an amazing part of being human. Growing up I somehow interpreted emotion to be bad or sinful. If I felt too much love for someone or something I would pray that god would turn my heart back to him. Or if I started to feel to much pain I would ask god to take the pain away and grant me peace. Saying this I did hold on tight to the emotion of guilt and fear (but that’s a whole other blog). As I started to put less and less weight on god and his or her affects on my life AND as I came to see that it is me who needs to deal or create the life I want (I know the divine has a part in it…but the divine has given me independence to develop. To deal. To live. And to be). OK….getting around to the lesson I have been thinking about. I don’t know if its being in the city. Or working in a culture that is blunt. Or seeing/hearing of hardships all around me. Or just the situations I have been finding myself in. (its probably all of it)....That is not letting me build a wall between me and emotion: pain. LOVE. Peace. Frustration.

This past year I have felt sooo much: moments were all my insides ache. Times of great questioning. Days when I felt my heart was going to give under the weight of longing. A moment of love I felt was so physically real to me I could feel the love literally in the air. A night of pain and many minutes randomly of despair and knowledge that I will pass on the despair in bits to many. And hope. Hope as a deep continual emotion every morning and on through the day. A hope that let me believe that LOVE...will in the end bring me to a place of wholeness. Of balance. And a place were I will be able to accept and give love honestly…without terms or conditions. I am not in a bubble, as people always called west Michigan. I am saying, ‘hello emotion. Come on in.' i truly believe the divine gave humans feelings not to be denied ...yet to have them. YES...its scary!!! feelings are veRY scary. even so we can not hand them off to the divine to deal with. we can't push them aside. we have emotions to feel ReAL. To learn. To be connected to one another and to the universe. My love. My care. My joy. My comfort. My tears. And all my laughs make me who I am. The divine is more then welcome to be with me through it all…whoever you are. but i will no longer be asking for any of my emotions to be subdued. this is too good.

last night i walked home up central park west. its was beautiful outside. i was having a spiritual experience with the noah and the whale cd on my ipod. seriously. as i walked up the grid of manhattan on the concrete sidewalk, something wonderful stood out to me. the roots of a tree along the street that was coming through the sidewalk. i couldn't help but walk on top of them and follow them to the tree. all of a sudden i was head over heals for this tree. i went up to its bark and felt it. i don't remember the last time i have been this close to a tree. its sad. as i stood there, looking crazy to anyone who passed....i started to recall this old me. a me that lived in nature for months. a me that made fires and cooked on them. a me that swam in rivers and canoed on lakes. that tree was one of my only contacts with something not man made yesterday (in fact the only thing in many days). nyc is full of concrete and buildings and buses and everything built. the only thing i really am in contact with on a daily basis that is not man-made is man himself.

i miss you mother nature. maple trees that we tap to make syrup. geiko trees that we hang around. sleeping under the stars. the smell of the forest after in rains. thunderstorms! leafs under my feet. sand dunes. smores on a fire late at night. laying on docks looking for the little dipper. night swimming. i often forget. lifes big blessings.

i'm not sure if i can get into words my thoughts. i am in a world of constantness. i know that is not a word: but for the sake of today (and because i often make up words) i'm going to use it. i wake up each morning and know that chances are i'm going to come home late in the evening different. in some way i will be different. i will experience something that will change me. challenge me. strengthen me. bring me to tears. of pain or of joy. this is so different from my world just a few years ago when i was just getting the business done i had to and waking up to do it again. that life is not an option for me now. i face challenges and choices and people everyday. in the best way possible. i hear stories. oh i hear stories. i receive words of affirmation. i sit and listen. listening is my favorite. i always come away with more empathy, more drive. i sat today and listened a lot. i cant share their words. or their struggles. but i can tell you. that this girl, doesn't know how anyone opens up to her. how is it that a girl from the midwest. who grew up in such a small community, who never experienced anything near what others around me are...how is it that she am someone trusts? i am more then thankful i am. someone said to me 'you just seem like you love everyone no matter what'. it was one of the best things anyone has ever said to me. it made me know that through all my mistakes, im getting something right.

i have the biggest family; the largest community. that i care for so deeply. today on of my kids had a chance to conduct an orchestra, they were smiling so big and throwing the conductors stick around so hard he hit someone in the face. the whole time i thought, my love for them. all of them. its more then simple giving and receiving. this must be a touch of what it feels like to have a child. a coworker once said to me, 'stacey these are your children. they trust you. they love you. you are here to protect them.' i am.

i don't know. i feel like my feelings aren't coming to these words very well. when i was on the train tonight, i looked at all the people. and i couldn't remember the faces of the people i saw this morning on the way to work. i couldn't remember who i was this morning. i know thats dramatic. but at that moment. i really could not. all i knew on the way home tonight was that i had more drive in me. more perseverance in me. more love in me. and more hope for change then 12 hours before. i know now that i will wake up tomorrow and listen and learn and grow and be different then who i am now. its just the way its happening lately. im having a growth spurt.

funny tidbit: the parents in my program have been asking me what i want for christmas. i always say nothing. but one parent kept asking so i said, 'i do not want anything you buy. you know what i really want (i said slightly sarcastically) i just want more love'. she smiled. later in my office she took a phone call from another parent in my program. i overheard their conversation, "yea i asked her. she said she only wants love for christmas. you know stacey, all ms. nature...yea just love. so i'm going to start to volunteer at the center.' perfect present.

i have it soooooo good. sooooooo good. soooooo good. i have tears in my eyes, sitting at my desk for the gratefulness the universe has offered me. i'm not sure if i have ever been so thankful. my smile is all over my face and is connected directly to my heart. oh my heart, it has been broken and repaired time and time again. i don't mind. i'm thankful. my mistakes. live and learn. i'm thankful. i have received so many hugs today. literally, for being a vessel of giving. i was given hundreds of dollars worth of food today through a program i applied for on behalf of the community center. families are carrying out boxes of cereal, canned food, and such. so many of them stopping by my office on the way out to say thanks. tell me they love me. one said that she respects me with all her heart and all her being. another said 'girl thanks for hooking us up. we haven't had someone like you in our lifes for a long time'. i'm soooo thankful. compliments are wonderful. but more then that i love being in a place that gives me the chance to be a small (very small) beacon of hope. growing up i was taught that all good things we do are not done by us, yet it is God through us. like in some way we are just the hands and the feet of the Divine. i'm not sure if thats true...but today as good things are all around me. or as i was a listening ear to someones tears and pain. i didn't think it was me: offering the services or the hope or the minute of solitude. when i hear compliments i never think 'oh good job me'. it is so much more. SO much more then me. i think all these good things: small and large happen because we are all fighting for. praying for. and hoping toward LOVE. the universe is working through all of us collectively to create a positive change in the world.

i'll end with this. someone told me today that they keep trying to get life to go their way: to get a job and work to earn a living for their family. but no matter how hard they try doors keep closing all around them. she looked at me like she wanted some words of wisdom all i could come up with was, "i'm sorry sometimes in life you just get screamed". truth. it happens. she laughed, and said thanks. honesty can help-and most times its really funny too. Yet saying this, i'm going to fight hard the rest of my life to open up all the doors and the windows i can. i'm sooo thankful. least i can do is open a few doors.

oh no. oh man. oh giraffes. i am not an actor. not even close. the only time i acted was in high school. even then the only real speaking role i had i was supposed to have an english accent. i ended up having an irish (it was very 'catch me lucky charms'). anyway...recently i have started to feel like i'm acting. someone cries in my office. i start to ask myself "what would a social worker say". i friend comes to me with a problem and in my mind i'm thinking "how would a friend react to this". ah! i do not like the feeling of playing a part. but i feel so unqualified for what i'm doing in my life. work. relationships. all of it that at times i feel the need to 'fake it'. its starting to make me nervous. like soon enough everyone is going to see me for who i really am: just a girl trying to fake it tell i make it. and i don't see me ever really "making it". i see more confusion, stumbling, and growing in my future then i see self-assurandance and stability. GOOSE BUMPS! who knows??? maybe i will get life right. maybe there will be a time when i know what i am talking about. maybe i'll stop making up words when i don't know the real word i'm looking for. or a time when i dont lose my keys and my cell phone. oh man, i hate when that happens. i dont know. i could say maybe all day long. maybe this and maybe that. huh. well. MAYBE i shouldn't focus on what i don't know or my mistakes....but rather the forgiveness that i'm willing to give myself while i'm faking it. if i lose my keys, or make up words, or spell things wrong, or forget about a meeting....or if someone else is late or forgets or cancels or pulls an irish accent on stage when its supposed to be english. you bet your bottom dollar i'm going to give you forgiveness. and grace. and love. i might laugh...but only with you. thats how its supposed to be. lets be honest: we both know we are trying our best. and if someone catches one of us faking it...know that i'll have your back. because i love you and selfishly because i need the same. oh giraffes! we got this. we totally got this.

Dude! life, right? no but seriously. there are so many things that i don't know. today someone told me "stacey, you have to be a little more tough. protect yourself" poo. i don't like living in a world that i have to be tougher...i like assuming the best about everyone. ok, so i know that everyone is not on my side or holding pom poms yelling "go stacey!". but how many people are really that bad? maybe its just my lack of memory. someone wrongs me...i'll usually forget about it in a few days. BLAH! and now here i am trying to understand how i can be tough. punch the air a few time. watch some karate kid. listen to eye of the tiger. maybe that will get me tough. but wait, nope it won't. i have the heart of a lamb. my only hope is putting the costume of a lion on and trying to foul people. i'll think they'll just laugh at me. still, i'm going to try. i have too. in a world of lions (or so people say) i need to try to fit in, cause i don't want others to feel like they can walk all over me. none of that. so watch out...cause here comes my growl and my lion costume...just know all the while i'm inside of the costume thinking this is ridiculous.

as i waited in line last night at whole foods holding my butternut squash soup and red skinned potatoes i started to look at the magazines. an over abundance of the magazines there were travel focused. which immediately brought me back to college. college i think was one of the hardest times in my life. not because of any events or relationship problems. but because i had a lack of purpose, slight confusion, and no community. i used to buy travel magazines all the time on my breaks from work. read the articles and soak in the photos. dreaming of a life i could have, of a situation that would be different. as i passed pictures of tropical places and europe again last night...i started to feel sooooooo thankful. oh universe! i do not regret for a moment the choices that i made in college. to work hard. to party little. to study sometimes. to have conflicts with the philosophy in my school. to live with my aging grandmother. all these things developed me. and made me so thankful...for today and yesterday and tomorrow. and here i am, now. i haven't bought a travel magazine in a long time. i think nyc offers plenty of places to explore and discover new wonderful things.

philosophy. "go ahead you can laugh all you want. but i have my philosophy. keeps my feet on the ground....i see that there is evil. i know that there is good. and the in betweens i never understood" thank you ben folds five (and kyle for the introduction). i am a pleaser. i do not want to fail anyone...and this year when i had to, it was kind of really freeing to me. when i heard them crying on the phone as i spoke the words...and they said it had to hurt for a while. it of course hurt me. but even more i knew that i now had independence: to think, to believe, to discover, and to be ok with having my own viewpoint on it all. its exiting! my language...the way i think...were my mind goes...my dreams. they are all my own. or a mix of all the ideas smart people have had around me. either or. and now when i talk to them...now that they and i both know i will never be what they pictured. we can both start seeing a different me. a growing me. a separate me. there will always be misunderstandings. but as they listen and ask and are interested and are not crying but trying to share in the joy (or at least the normality of it) things will become better and more open. i can't wait for the day: of equal respect and love. from me to them and them to me.

in the end (sorry...this is a long blog. with not to many jokes and a wandering plot) i am strong. guilt hasn't crept up into my mind in a long time. tears, i think they all escaped me this summer. and now excitement. anticipation. laughter. joy. LOVE. they are all coming around. nope, wait they are here. and i am loving it. i saw a friend last night who has been so apart of this whole shit load...seeing her made me realize how good i am. how good i have it. so thank you. i am so blessed. in christian school people used to say 'my cup is overflowing' its from a psalm. but i like the analogy. that i have so much...i will never be thirsty...i have everything i need to quench my desires and fill my body so i can have the energy to go on. i love you so much. this year i love you in a very selfish way...for loving me. for making me laugh. for listening. for crying. for understanding, or trying to understand. for letting me change my answers to major questions. for letting me be and understanding that this was all to real to me. and now look at where we are! to excitement. to the wonderful nervous felling in our bellies. to laughs. and possibilities. we are not looking to the future and saying "i can't wait tell then...(travel or love or moving or family)". now we can say "look at today! we have it!" we have the strength. the confidence. the faith. the LOVE. oh goodness. its spring time in our hearts. eeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

to those of you who think that this is about one person and me. lose the thought. this is about you. cause you. whoever you are, are part of this. this newness. this love. this gratefulness. take my hand...please. lets be more connected then we are. lets learn more about each other then we already know. lets call more. and laugh more. and break more rules. and stay up together later. and write songs. and bake. and find new hidden streets. talk to more strangers. sit in more parks. go to all the holiday bazaars (oh my i really like those). and dream. i want my future to be intrinsically connected to yours. lets make a life. lets go on vacation to the tropics. lets skateboard the village. lets move to california (the countdown is on). lets rejoice and plan next thanksgiving. lets buy presents and open them up. me and you. you and me. its us kid-o. and i'm more then ok with that.

there is a new movie coming out at christmas about a little mouse who isn't afraid of what mice are supposed to be afraid off. when his classmates are shown a picture of a knife they all hide under their desks. he sits, looking at the picture...in awe. he says it looks like a sword. in response his father says "son, there are a lot of wonderful things to be afraid of in this life. if you could only learn to fear them". fear. i see things, know of things that i am really afraid of. failure. lonelyness. hitting a platou in life. sky diving. i think because i am so afraid of these things, it makes me fight really hard so they never happen (other then sky diving...i'm doing that...facing that fear is going to feel awesome...when i'm on the ground). some of my fears have recently started coming to the for front. and i'm trying to tell myself 'you can do this' 'think about it' 'you have the capability...to work...to organize...to keep up...to give...to love'. melting in presence of fear is going to do no one any good. i'm going to make mistakes...but i'm not going to quit (i'm putting this in writing, so i have to hold myself to it) i'm not going to quit. i'm going to eat some chocolate. get over it. make a plan. and succeed. there are so many things to fear in life, but we can learn to put them aside and the situation as a challenge.

it is so much easier to believe the bad then the good. someone tells you that you are average. you will accept that as a truth. someone times you that you are great, somehow its hard to believe. this is frustrating. that the negative can rule our thoughts and weigh us down. man oh man. its a heavy weight to try to get rid of sometimes. people will have their opinions. it happens, people will always have something to say. something to think. brush it off. thats an art: the art of the brush off. how to let it all slide and say 'you can think that. and i will still do what i do to be positive and succeed'. in the end. its all going to end (this sounds horrible..but i'm not intending it to). we all just need to have fun. brush it off. love and laugh. we will not always succeed. there will be failure, more then we would like. cry it off. watch a movie. then start goals, start to laugh, and start to enjoy. the days are to short. life is to short. to not let go off all the bad...take a deep breathe and see how fun this all is.

it's interesting how the world is different to everyone: we all make up our world. our viewpoint, our experiences, our mindset, and such completely decides how we view everything around us. while i see a world that is welcoming, full of possibilities, and adventures...another person could view the world as harsh, cold, and hard to live in. it is all what we make of it. i used to say to the kids i worked with "today is going to be a great day if you want it to be". and its kind of/really true. you choose. would you like love in your life? open up your heart. open up your eyes. maybe the man on the corner will show you love through kind words. or a friend through a good conversation. who knows? but i do know that love is out there. maybe you need a laugh. the world is funny...i promise you that. this whole viewpoint thing is not only with the world...but also (and maybe more interestingly) with people. someone can be in love with someone while someone else can hardly be around them. i can view a person as strong, while someone else views them as weak. its all what we create the person to be in our mind. are you putting someone on a pedestal? or not giving someone the benefit of the doubt? and how about you...how are you viewing yourself in your mind? do you know you are as beautiful as you are? do you know that you have more to offer life then you know? do you know that you deserve all your desires? do you know that others look up to you? that you make people happy? and you show love in unique and wonder ways? i HOPE that you do. when it comes down to it. we can view the world and others any way you want. but please view yourself as strong. complete. good. and loving. when you do everything else you experience will be brighter. more wonderful. and you will see that love and peace and laughter and adventure are all around....just wanting for you to come enjoy them.

You have those moments in time when the flow of life seems to be going your way. You are chilling and the world around you is spinning…and the whole time you think ‘this is good. I think I’m doing ok at this living thing.’ OR you are in a friendship/relationship with someone. And you think again ‘this is good. We are just hanging and talking and laughing’. then opps. The real opinions come out. You find out that you are not doing as well as you thought. Not giving something or someone what they expected or needed. This is not always your fault (usually partially…but not entirely). and there it is. During these days or times we can’t help ourselves but ask the questions: what did I miss? Where did I go wrong? How long should I have known that I was below average? Huh. Well. No tears or anything. Just a…lets see. Reality check for an idealistic girl. i tend to not like reality checks. I enjoy my colorful spin I put on life. Things are a lot brighter in my colorful mind. Yet alas this happens. It has to happen. To bring be down to normal…so I can recolor everything again. Ok, enough with the colors. But really. Really truly. Life is a circular process. You stand. You fall. You stretch (sally o’malley). And you keep going.

songs

i don't write much about my music on this blog. mostly because my music tends to be just for me and just for fun. but recently i've been recieving some positive feedback about it. so it light of that...i thought i should start sharing. and also because i spend so many hours with my guitar...it shouldn't go to waste. so starting later this week you will be able to download my music from myspace music pages (i'll let you all know when it goes up). but as a start here are some of my lyrics. lyrics always tend to be cheesy and not as good with no music with them. but either way: you can take them as they are. enjoy.

LOve is where we'll end

The moon has found another place to lay her head
I look at you. Yes its true. This is our end.
We both had boundaries. Tonight we’ve come to them
There’s nothing left to say between you and i. except goodbye.

And this pain will fly away.
And peace will settle into our life someday.
Cause love is where we started.
And love is where we'll end.

I know we made mistakes along the way
We’re only human beings.
Are love was beautiful, wouldn’t you say?
I won’t have any anger against you in our later days.

And this pain will fly away.
And peace will settle into our life someday.
Cause love is where we started.
And love is where we'll end.

Remember me my sweet
Cause I was down on my knees for you.
Believing we were the best of any two.
Still I know that as time ticks away
A new love will come my way

And this pain will fly away.
And peace will settle into our life someday.
Cause love is where we started.
And love is where we'll end.

I'll Learn how to LOve you

I could say I would walk a million miles
Just to see you smile
I could say I would plant a flower garden in your room
Pick a rose for you
I could say I would find the end of the rainbow
Every time it rains

But my fears have the best of me
And I want my promises to keep
So I’ll just say

I will listen and I will learn
I will be there round every turn
And I will learn how to love you

I could say I turn your frown
All the way around
I could say I’d understand all our your tears
And all of your pain
I could say I’d write your name plus mine
All over the place

But my fears have the best of me
And I want my promises to keep
So I’ll just say

I will listen and I will learn
I will be there round every turn
And I will learn how to love you

We will have our own share of heartache
There will be pain that we create
We will fight and not say goodnight
Even then. Even then.

I will listen and I will learn
I will be there round every turn
And I’ll learn how to love you.

I'll be fine

I walk these concrete streets
With my own two feet
I get ready for the day
With the two hands god gave
I have no words left to say
Just this sad expression
On my face

I’ll be fine. I’ll be alright
You can leave me behind
I’ll be fine. I’ll be alright
With no guilt in sight
You can leave. Leave me behind.

As you started to walk away
I thought of words I could say
To beg you to stay. Just one more day
But who longs to be with someone
Who only dreams of running away?

I’ll be fine. I’ll be alright
You can leave me behind
I’ll be fine. I’ll be alright
With no guilt in sight
You can leave. Leave me behind.

Are friends aren’t talking to me
Their to afraid of saying words
That would add to my suffering
We both know. I am an island in my mind
No sticks or stones will ever break this heart of mine.


I’ll be fine. I’ll be alright
You can leave me behind
I’ll be fine. I’ll be alright
With no guilt in sight
You can leave. Leave me behind.

Love and warm wishes to you all!

today my kids made trees. little foot high trees with red. yellow. orange. green. leaves they taped all over the branches. on each leaf they wrote something they were thankful for. moms. dads. food. homes. me :). and love. an amazing amount of the kids took a leaf a just wrote LOVE. what a powerful verb. one of my classes wrote all their names on a leaf, placed it on a tree, and gave it to me. family. their a large part of mine. walking out of the center kids could recieve a coats, hats, and gloves. smiles. laughter. warmth. its winter outside. and its dark at 5. but inside, here in the center. and underneath the new coats. we are warm. we are cared for. each and everyone of us. one of my kids said their first word to me. ever. i told him his tree looked nice. he smiled and said "thank-you". i melted. literally: tears, i freaked out. he has been here all year. two months. first word, first hint of a voice. its powerful. our words. even just the sound of a human talking to another. power. beauty. he said many more words as the hours ticked away today. 8pm and i worked to many hours today. but i'm good. and thinking about all the leafs i would need to cover my tree, so many things to be thankful for. i know. that the one at the top would be covered in LOVE.

change. choice. we make them for ourselves. others make them for us. they come. sometimes with an invitation and sometimes they just show up at your front door. each comes with new things. and loss. letting go of friendships. of connections. or youth. of loves. or hope of love. we find ourselves again in the 'waiting area' of life that dr. seuss poetically wrote about. waiting for success. waiting for love. waiting for it. whatever it is for you. and then it comes. whatever time it is. it will be the right time. yet. what if you are in the waiting area and you are happy. do you then choose to take something new into your life. something that could bring happiness or not. but wait...are we happy now? maybe this is just ok...maybe happiness is something i haven't felt in so long that i forget the feeling. decision. decision. tv taught me that decision and scissors come from the same root word. cut it out. change it. believe it. love it. be it. whatever it is. no looking back, just living in. regrets are easy. longings come naturally. either way you are where you are. soak in the good. sit. listen. give. and receive. bake. life is good. isn't it?

being the aries that i am, the only time i become really upset is when someone or something stomps on an ideology that is important to me. then i come up with some unrealistic plan-something large and extremely hopeful. you might know (from reading past blogs) that the belief of equality...one very important belief of mine...has been stomped on hard lately. monday night after work i was so upset about it that i skateboarded for an hour trying to come up with a plan. i called a friend and said "we need to do something. march, rally...something!" and he listened and said it was a good idea. i went home and spent my free time writing a speech (that i will probably never give) but my idealistic mind had to do something. so for the enjoyment of all...and because i spent to much time writing it for it to never be read, here it is:

Today we come together fighting for mom’s, fathers, siblings, lovers. To fight
for equality. Equality of LOVE. Today, understand that we have come so far, yet
have so far to go.

Looking back, there was a time when a black man and a white women’s love was not recognized. America viewed this love as wrong. But our friends, our parents, our grandparents stood up and took action. They believed, as do we that when two human beings, find love there will be the right for it to be recognized. They believed in change. Do you?

History is repeating itself. We need to stand-up for Love. Today 40 states have laws against same-sex marriage. Proposition 8 in California being the last law past. It was a shock to all of us. Even before the ballots were cast there was destructive behavior displayed. A them vs. us mentality came into play. This will only build up the walls we want to break down. Walls between the church and gay community. Walls between the past and future. Equality: gender, race, orientation. It should always be a WE issue. We will work together. WE will fight for equality. WE will have the right to LOVE.

Together we will create Change. women have marched together on these streets for equality. African Americans have marched together on these streets for justice. Family, friends, lovers, and strangers have marched on these streets for freedom. and today there presence is with us. We are thankful for their sacrifices. Remembering, we march with their momentum. The same momentum that brought Americans to the polls last week. Enabling us, as the United States of America to elect Barack Obama into office. And on the heals of this change we come together. Are we ready to unite once again, to walk these streets for equality? Is today the day?

its 11:30pm. not late. (at least by my normal standard). i cried at work today, one of my many weaknesses. just sick. pushed myself to hard. i was in bed by 8pm with some homemade chicken noodle soup. an apple. and some tea. i feel asleep right after dinner and now am wide awake. brilliant plan. so this blog is here to keep me company while i think about sheep jumping over fences. ok...random things in my mind.

monday i was welcoming all the kids into after school. hanging out and coloring (a great activity). and one of my kids walks into the room and declares he is going to play a game. he says that he is going to be barack obama and who wanted to be his joe biden. they set up an office in the back of the classroom, which he said anyone could stop into to talk to barack. so i walked into his "office" and asked 'barack, if you could only give me one piece of advice what would it be?' he acts like he is thinking really hard, looks at me and says 'that if people are mean to you. stand-up and walk away'. very wise barack obama.

last week i was passing by the kids bathroom and heard a knocking from the inside door. it sounded like someone was trying to get attention. i opened the door, a 1st grader seem to have been stuck in the bathroom...didn't have the force needed to pull the door open. right after i helped him out he said "i found hope" i asked what he said...i didn't think a first grader would say something like that. and he said it again. i asked him "you found hope in me?" "yup" to which i couldn't help but reply "i'm your barack obama?" as he walked ahead of me i heard him answer"yes".

on my way home from work today i was feeling really bad. i caught the subway at 96th st for home. right after i sat, i saw that the ad opposite me stated "not feeling good today? then please don't get on the subway". believe me new york city transit, i too wish i was in bed and not on the C train. it made me laugh.

ok, i think thats it for now. this weekend was amazing. i spent most my time long boarding the city, watching movies, and talking to tourist (i spent 30 minutes on the Q train talking to 5 women who came for the weekend from north carolina...AH! i love tourists.) but things are good. i'm looking forward to the holidays and a break. and maybe some sledding at kyle's parents house. and a trip to the wooden shoe factory. ah, home.

close your eyes. think about the past. about the people who have lived before us. specifically those who were born at a certain time, at a certain place. that because of those circumstances were not given a fair chance at happiness, at living life to the fullest. for instance...there was a time when it was legal to buy slaves in nyc. (side note: where you used to buy slaves, is now where you can buy tickets to see the statue of liberty...interesting, interesting) a time when women could not vote. and of course more. so much more inequality. here. everywhere. our history is full of blood. of tears. and how far we have come in the last 100 years. African-Americans and women gained the right to vote. but how far we haven't come. as i was walking the streets this weekend, i kept picturing the civil rights rallies. the sit-ins. the protests. how they fought. and how it changed everything.

i feel little. powerless. i have been watching the protests in california for the gay-rights movement. its our time. the lovers. the friends. the children. the adults. we have a new civil rights movement. a new kind of equality that needs to be fought for. yesterday i saw a movie that was based in 1950's south africa. a white women and black man were interested in one another, which of course was against the law. at one point in the movie a random white man asked the black man to get him water and the white women was so frustrated that she got the water for white guy. the white man walked out angry. and the women turned to her love interest and said "isn't it true that we as humans are losing are dignity?" the man looked at her and replied "some of us quicker then others." and i love what she said in response "yes, but not you. it was that man who lost his dignity we he asked you to get the water." isn't that true. no one is taking away my friends dignity, my dignity...they are taking away their own. when a human doesn't give respect to others regardless of race, gender, orientation...it is them who lose. who lose on what life is when it is full of love. of respect. of care.

i am determined to love and respect everyone. and i am in need to help people understand we are all human, all the same. 99.9% of our DNA is the same. literally, only .1% of us is different. there is always more connecting us then dividing us. if you do not understand someone, ask. listen. the more people you know. the more you will understand. equality is not complicated. it just starts with understanding, and continues on in love. i am ready to walk. to sit-in. to speak. to listen. to be. for equality. cause my loving heart is hurting.

i am having an out of body experience. and its magical. i woke up late this morning and walked outside into washington heights. a group of kids were passing me by chatting "obama! obama!" the Hispanic man next to me joined right in. i hopped onto the C local downtown. two nuns came on at 135th, sat across from me...continuing their conversation in spanish. i could understand only two things: the word obama and their smiles. next a teenager who was deaf came onto the train. she didn't know how to get to brooklyn. i wrote down the directions for her. she wrote thank-you in return. at 96th street i climbed the stairs and saw an older women wearing an obama shirt and carrying a bag. i asked if i could help and carry the bag for her. she smiled "its not that heavy, but you can carry me" sarcasm, always love it. i had extra time today and walked through central park to the east side. the colors are bright. the leafs are falling. things are changing. hugs were everywhere at work. hope. joy. and parties in offices. old staff members stopping by my office to see me. everyone wants to experience this together. more hugs. more tears. my kids walked in and i was overwhelmed with what this means to them. they spent today coloring pictures and writing him letters. here are some of their quotes:

"I knew you would win. I hope you make changes that the world loves. I think you should be president forever"

"i'm happy that you won because you are the first black president. Im' so proud that you won. When i get older I want to be president because you get to wear nice suits"

"I am so exited for you and I can't wait until you change the world in my life."

"I want you to make the world a safer place"

"Congratulations for achieving your goal. I love you because of your convincing speeches and your generosity for everyone. I want you to make the United States a better place to live such as stop littering. I am proud of you because you are my role model"

"Congratulations Obama you were great out there. I loved your speech it was awesome. I love you and I want you to give us a change, because we need a change. Also, can i tell you something? You are going to be in history because you are the first African American president in all time. I'm going to say it again Congratulations!"

"I love you because you love me"

i love that last quote. i think it sums up a lot. she loves him because he loves her. how simply put and beautiful that line is. this whole process for me all comes down to love. a love that is full of understanding for the least of us. a love full of hope for the most deprived. a love full of ideas for those who need to worry about living and whp need someone else to worry about how to fix this all. these kids are growing up in an new America. an America that says you are important. you are represented for. you will be listened to. we are on our way to equality.

i also want to mention that even though proposal 8 did not turn out the way it should have. we now have a president that mentioned in his acceptance speech that gay was a minority. i know that this change will come in my lifetime. equality of love will be here. it will take time and patience. but its clear now we live in a country were people can change. and rights can be given and received. today it seems crazy that when obama was born his parents could not be married in most states because of his father's race. i hope that my children will live in an age were the fact that two people couldn't get married because of their gender will seem crazy. but today, in the end i want to focus on the strides we have come. on the love that has been given. and the change we have been given the chance to make.

its 2am tuesday november 5th. our world just changed. the trees and lights on my street are draped with toilet paper. they look like tears of celebration. the subway was full of strangers. laughing, smiling, and crying. the village was full of shouts of praise, oh hope. i was overcome. tears. wonder. splendor. these is what belief turned into actual reality feels like. right after the announcement i couldn't help but cry. my boss called me "we did it stacey, we did it" thats the most amazing part of this all. it is we. we who called strangers. we who registered voters. we who waited in line. we who pulled the lever. we who believed. we who didn't quit. and he is right, we didn't do this for him. we did this for my kids: so they could see a president that reflected them. we did it for the poor: so they would have someone who would understand. we did it for those who are not equal in society: so we could have someone who understands love will never divide us.  we did it for all of us. tonight, as i wrapped my hands around my friends. as i was silent. as i listened. i started to understand what history feels like. how one human with inspiration and drive can change a country person by person. i am proud to be here. to know that i had the opportunity to be apart of the we. we did it.  

i am not detail orientated. my work. my room. my lack of calenders around me all reflect this fact. but in my mind, when it comes to "planning" my life i have the tendency to decompose the details: 'if i do this, what will happen?' like my life is a choose your own adventure book. i could go on a hike with julia on page 58 or to back to school on page 90 and i have to decide. and as i flip to page 58 (the clear winner) i am holding my breathe hoping the hike doesn't bring me to a devastating ending. i do this in my mind with reality all the time. should i call him? if i write this what will she think? if i decide to go to school too, what will be the effects? and i think and i think and i think myself into the ground about the details to scared to just flip the page. when in the end i'm not going to know the difference. what happens is what happens. and joy and love and beauty and mystery and friendship will be here for us, for you, for me no matter what chapter or page we are on. i need to stop double guessing myself. take a deep breathe. enjoy every moment. every word. laugh and be. 

here i am. back here again. life is a circular process isn't it? we make mistakes and note them so we don't make them again. or we cry and say i will not make the same choices that lead me to this pain. or we listen to people's view of our lifes and it weighs us down and we think 'never again'. but honestly we always come back to those times. good happens. bad happens. i'm back there again. and its ok. its good. i'm cutting strings that are painful. i can't push it away anymore or act like its not there. i just have to do it, get the metaphoric scissors out and snip. it will let me love others more. let me love myself a whole lot more. this summer someone told me i needed to give myself time. let myself be selfish. take care of me. its time i listen. how beautiful it is the place where i am. how wonderful my family in nyc. we are not just friends, we are family. fighting. caring. crying. cooking. loving. giving. sacrificing. needing. being. laughing. laughing. laughing. how good it is. to know that every time i am back here again. in the struggles. in the joys. they are there too. having patience. having words. having silence. i don't think i will ever get life right. but i don't think thats the point either. its about getting love right. and i am willing to, in fact i am desperate to do that. to love myself right. to love others right. to love the universe right. in the end no matter where i am. i will always circle back to love.

i took the 3 train express from times square today uptown. an usually choice for me. i found a set and opened up the new Times with barack on the cover. the man next to me turned and said "you know who just endorsed obama?" i smile. "nope, who" he responds..."mccain". i break out. awesome. i can't stop complimenting the joke. i asked him how many times he told that joke this week. he can't count, to many. its solid, to many times doesn't exist for that joke. he loves that i love him. he tells more political jokes, i keep laughing. he is funny. and this is beautiful. as 96th street approaches he starts to pack-up. he looks me in the eye "thanks for laughing. its been a real pleasure" he emphases the word real. and it was. real i mean. i don't really like when people say "keep it real" but if i were to say that. i would have times like this subway ride be the example in my mind about what keeping it real means. he stood up and i said "you kidding, thank you! and oh, i'm going to re-tell that joke a bunch" he steps out. ding-dong. next stop on this train 110th street central park north.

3 pencils are in my hair. i'm eating mini m and m's. my office is a mess. i just finished playing with a chinese yo-yo. i took a full hour lunch. cut 225 orange slices. baged 27 cabbages. i'm filling out an order form for a butterfly. i'm happy, its official. today is a happy day. it feels good to be happy. not happy like pretending. or faking it. or half-way. but full on, can't explain it...just plain ole simple happy. i have laughed more at work the past few days. more then i have any where else in recent history. i am officially starting to feel comfortable with my job, and letting myself just let go. when that happened...goodness just flowed right in. its sad to think how much un-happiness the past 6 months has offered me. i'm glad to be back to me. normal me. ok me. joyful me. me who is ready to laugh. to heal. to sleep. to read. to write. to enjoy. to ponder. to exist.

today i had a child swear. he tends to do this often. and every time it happens he is put on time out, or the like. and it obviously is not working. i decided it was time to take a different approach. maybe he didn't understand why he couldn't swear. i asked him "why do you think we shouldn't swear or say bad words". he responded "because then you will get in trouble". well that may be true, but he needed a better answer if he was going to stop swearing. i thought about what people told me when i was a child. -you can't swear because we can't take God's name in vain-or other lines connected to religion. thinking about it i knew i couldn't tell him anything like i heard. so here i was in my office with a 6 year old and i am asking myself, you know what i don't know why we can't swear...i looked at him...i came to a conclusion. "are you a human?" he smiled "yes" i kept going "me too. we are not cats or dogs or fish. (to which he let me know that he really likes cats). and it is our job as a human to try to make all other humans as happy as we can. we should make people laugh and smile. when we say bad words or call people names does that make people happy or smile?" he said, "nope, it makes them angry and mad" "exactly, and we don't want to make people angry...but happy. And i know that you are really good at making people laugh...i think you should work on that, instead of making people mad or sad" this whole time his eyes have been wandering around my office. i'm not sure if this has just been another teaching moment of mine that has gone in one ear and out the other. i'm assuming that it is-most of them are. i wrapped up the talk by saying "ok?" he looked at me and said "stacey you know why a bus is inside a car?" i smile, "no" he finishes..."because it wants to eat a cellphone" we both laugh. he made me happy. lesson learned.

recently i had a discussion with a friend of mine about cockiness. she was afraid of dating someone who was known for being cocky (both her and i seem to be attracted to that quality in a person). thinking about this topic brought up an interesting question: what is the difference between being cocky and being brave? living in nyc people have to be brave. we all moved here alone (or mostly alone). we are all trying to make it in our field, which often comes with a lot of competition. we are faced with the ugliness of the world daily: homeless begging us for our change, and such. we are one of millions, literally. we will never be the prettiest. the smartest. the most accomplished. and we wake up every morning in the light of these facts. in our small apartments, sometimes to cold showers while the spanish speaking neighbors yell in the hallways. to walk out unto the concrete streets filled with poo (seriously there is so much poop on the streets). to make it through these conditions we have to be able to hold our own head up. we have to be able to pat ourselves on our backs. cause no one else is. we have to speak up for ourselves. we do not have anyone fighting for our cause. it is us. keeping our own sanity. telling ourselves we are loved. saying its going to be ok. call it cocky (and maybe it is) but it is also bravery. staying happy. staying proud. staying true. in this city sadness comes easy. bravery is another thing.

in our staff meeting today we started to plan for the haunted house we put on for the kids who live in the isaac/holmes residence. i mentioned in the meeting that were i grew-up they would put on a haunted house for the kids. but it wasn't the kind that had people pop out at you. instead each room dealt with some kind of moral delima. like one room was smoking, another drinking, and another premarital sex. they would have a skit in each room about the negative affects or shall i say the "scary" things that happen when you do these things. then the last room was a "Jesus" room...where they asked us to choose him and not the poor choices. my co-workers laughed hard when i finished the story. and it is funny. insane almost. when i went through it as a seventeen year old i knew that it was a little crazy conservative thing. but to think about that and to think about now. man alive. things change, people change, how i have changed. i can't believe i made it through that culture...all the while laughing. i do remember a few times crying out of guilt. or praying for my salvation constantly. it was a lot of pressure. to be perfect. to be "holy". the whole time seeking love from a God that i was scared of. i think that christianity at its core is beautiful. somewhere it went wrong and people started to believe the had to pay a price for love. for salvation. for good things to happen. and i was differently one of those people. i went to Bible college seeking answers. wanting to find out how i could be happy. wanted to be close to this God that everyone else seemed to be buddies with. wanted my skepticism to be pushed away with every Bible class that i took. but the more i listened, the less i understood. and the more frustrated i became. how could a good God send people to "hell"? how are so many people i go to school with who label themselves as christians tend to judge everyone, talk about everyone, not be able to listen? i would become so heated in class discussions that i would stop raising my hand and just throw out my thoughts and questions. eventually my teachers started to ask me if i was ok. and i wasn't. who i am. what i believe. it will never fit into the culture i grew up in. this might sound ok, and it eventually will be. but today i am still mourning the pain that this is bringing my family. and the frustrations that it has caused. i love my family dearly. they are my rock and my joy. i feel horrible that i will not be exactly what they pictured. yet in the end honesty is the best form of love i can give them. they have embraced me were i am, and i couldn't be more thankful for that. i have worked through a lot of things this year. clarifying a lot of who i am. and today i finally have time to think about religion and me. i need to find a balance of respect for the beliefs i grew up in. clarification (or peace with the lack of it) in my own beliefs system, and LoVE for all those around me in the midst of it. we will see. its all a process.

today i am sentimental. (usually i try not to be...but i'm giving in on this monday). today is my year anniversary at my job. and i know it sounds kind of weird to celebrate a year anniversary at a job. but to a girl who has tends to thrive on change being here this year. staying here. and continuing on here well it brings up some emotions. feelings on pride. of joy. of adulthood. of youth. of idealism. of confusion. i guess there is a thin line between one emotion or another. that line has been balanced this year. falling to one side or another all the time, and loving it. the realism. there is no putting on a front, no trying on a mask or building up a wall to not let the emotions inside. this job has ripped of anything that let me play a part of togetherness-of understanding. and let me become raw. scary, really scary. and amazing. i have been given joy this year. my name shouted with love as my kids come in wanting to tell me about their day. their first kisses (my favorite story), their good report cards, their struggles. and oh how i love to listen. to laugh with them. to celebrate with them. i have been given pain this year. when a parent admits they can't do it anymore. when a child is worried they are going to lose their loved ones. when i have no answers to give. last year i walked in blind to this center. i was a child who had a lot of idealism in her heart and who wanted to change the world (at least just a pinch). i know that in so many ways i am still a child (i hope to never lose that). but so many days as i have walked home after work. i swear i could feel growth pains all over my body. many times in your life you all of a sudden realize that you have grown up. and then there are those days that you know it is happening. you feel it. you recognize it. today i can say i'm glad i have had an oppurtunity to grow. even through all the tears and a few sacrifices that were made, i'm happy. because this community center has offered me a place to fight for peace and to hand out love. a whole lot of it. and with that peace and love...i have not been the only one to change. but my kids have also been growing-and what a joyful process that has been to watch. and in the end my kids have given me sooooo much love. so much joy. and so much purpose. one year down. many to come.

i feel like i'm grasping for aliveness. those moments or times in your life when you are so overcome with emotion: joy, LOVE, hope...that all you can think about is that moment. for me its been the times when i hold someone i love. when someone puts their hand in mine. when i'm a listening ear to someones dilemma or they to mine. all these human connections. when two people share a moment of time: and both understand the beauty of it. that two people have come together..each from separate experiences and to go on from that moment to keep living their/our separate lives. yet just for a second. or a minute. or if we are lucky minuteS...we...you...me are intrinsically connected. those moments are the beauty of humanness. in which we feel the wonder of being alive. today i find myself grasping for the memories of these moments. but knowing they are unreachable. these moments are not supposed to be relived. we are to be thankful and grow and learn. and stray into more moments of connection. walk into more times of love. and thrive in the hope that these times grant us.

Is it an American truth that the less you pay for something, the less you can complain about it? For instance if you paid 100 bucks for a shirt that fell apart you feel like you were ripped off. But if you paid 10 bucks for a shirt that fell apart you got what you deserved. Generally I think this principal makes sense. But how much can we stretch it? Does it also work on society levels? For instance if someone pays thousands of dollars for their child to attend private school do they have more of a right to ask questions and demand answers about their child’s education compared to a family who sends their child to a public school? I think this is where the "get what you deserve line" is questionable. This past week I have been meeting with all the parents of the children in my program. At the end of my little talk I give I ask if there is anything they would like to talk about with me. A hand full of them spoke about their frustrations with the public school system in nyc. Their problems range from: school buses that seem to cater to the wealthy children, the after school programs that are held at the schools which cost thousands of dollars each semester, to the supply list at the start of the school year which the total cost adds up to 150 dollars for each child. And when they advocate for their child to the board of education, so often their words are lost in the system. AMERICA? Is this where we are at? Letting poverty define people from birth: giving them less then what they deserve? from my eye level it seems like the school are ok with this. and i know that there are huge financial problems in the school system. for instance if the kids don't supply the teacher paper, the classroom will have no paper at all. but in today's financial market were even the rich are struggling...are we willing to ask those who are poor for every last penny? and will they only gain a right to advocate for their child's education when that penny is handed over?

does the right to a good education only come when the check is written?

i went to a conference once were a women spoke about the word "busy". she told a story of a lady waiting in line to buy coffee behind her one morning. she said the women was crazy impatient...clearly trying to annoy the people in front of her to order faster. the facilitator said that instead of getting annoyed she bought the women's coffee for her (the women was shocked) and said, "welcome to your new life". i love that story. america loves the word busy. how many times do you hear that, "oh how are you?" "oh busy". its easy to be busy, and some how people like to tell people how busy they are. poo. i say challenge yourself to chill. we all have schedules up the wazoo. we all have strings pulling us in every direction. this is life. saying this i respect the person who can take a breathe and enjoy it all. "oh how are you" "wonderful, thanks. enjoying the color of the leaves" how much more beautiful, how much more welcoming, how much more positive. loosen the chains of the american phrases. and let yourself surprise everyone. take the bad and make it good. make the good, great. and let the great multiply. open up...and let your new life be welcomed in. because this is too good to miss.

i would describe myself as a person who struggles with patience. yet as i look back at the last few years i think patience is actually an over-arching theme. subconsciously i knew 4 years ago, while living in the conservative mid-west that i could not handle giving myself the freedom to explore who i was. at that time in my life if i would have known what i know now, i would have been in a constant struggle with myself. i had to be patient. slowly, oh so slowly. the universe granted me opportunities to live in places that would give me time. time to try on new philosophises. and friendships that gave me room to ask questions (apart from the rules boxes from my youth). and then i could safely ask: WHO AM I? i let the question settle. for years. my new york family listened, gave me reassurance in my answers (or lack there of). clearly as i have been figuring this all out these last few years i have always known who i was, who i am. but timing has to be right. now i can accept. now i can celebrate. now i can laugh. how upsurd it is, i am the opposite of what i fought to be my whole childhood. yet with this separation of space and of time. i see that its beautiful. this situation/how the universe works. i may be years behind my counterparts in self discovery. but for me. its just right. growing up i was taught that God will give you only what you can handle. i may question who this God is now...but whoever she or he is, i still believe that she does only give me what i can handle. patience. patience. patience.

all good things will come in time.

i don't know.

i think that is my final conclusion on life (i know this might be jumping the gun). but i really don't know....how much i can handle. what i believe in. who i want to spend my life with. what i'm supposed to do tomorrow. how i can love those around me. if my feet are planted on the ground. i really just don't know.

this past year i've been holding out hope that i would eventually find some answers, to at least one of the questions. but alas as i'm growing and learning i'm started to discover more questions and a whole lot less answers. which i guess is normal, but doesn't mean its easy.

and now since i know that this grayness is never going to disappear i have taken the next step in being honest about the frustrations, joys, and struggles of it all. i think that all these "non"conclusions are not that shoking to most people in the world. but to me, at this time in my life they are overwhelming.

i am so extrodanarily blessed. i have love in my life. i have joy in my life. i am granted oppurtunties that i have to pinch myself to believe. and in all of this i am so thankful. saying this i have a whole section of my life that is hard. i adore my children, and my job. but that does not mean it doesn't wear me down and pull on my heart (that tends to be soft). i know that i need to talk about my daily struggles for my own healing and health. but when i am out with friends at night i know that me bringing up this stuff is only going to cause someone else's heart to take a hit. when it comes down to it i try to hold it all in, or forget about it and have fun. so many times this works, then i hit this wall. often this is were this blog comes in...a kind of therapy. anyway.

recently i have struggled with seeing the issue when i look at my kids and not the child. when they start to laugh or hug me i can often snap out of it. but oh, my heart hurts. my kids go through so much shit that they are just handed. siblings who have passed away because of abuse, fathers leaving, acs cases making them think they are going to be taken away from their parents. uh. i feel like my heart, my lungs, and all my insides are pounding with an ache to be able to change this world for them. and i know that in so many ways i can't. i am powerless in bringing their loved ones back to them or making them feel secure. i can love them in my own unique way...giving them programs to recieve fresh fruit everyday, bringing them to shows, giving them art class. this just isn't good enough for me. i need to be more. i need to give more. i need to love more.

now that i wrote that last little bit. maybe the problem is that this is not about me. "i" can't do this alone. i hope my friends know that in taking care of me and making me laugh they in turn are helping and caring for the kids in my program. saying this...i need to ask for more. more help at work, and more help in my life. the problem of poverty in nyc and the after affects is clearly not just my issue. we all need to carry it someway on our backs until its solved. i think now is the time for me to pass some of my load off. cause its getting damn heavy and i'm about to hit the ground. even though i have miles to go.

just for a positive...things that are joys in my life this summer:

free george michael concert (loved the crowd there)
longboarding the city
celebrating friends joys
finding a roommate
walking home through the park
bar games with kyle
wedding in the woods
(ok. there are more. i'm just crazy tired and have to lifeguard all day tomorrow.)

good night.

a friend of mine from college was in town this weekend with her sister, mom, and mom's best friend. i meet them for dinner in little italy: who would have known i would open up this huge can of worms with them. we small talked for awhile, and then they started to shoot out questions that seemed all to appropriate this weekend.
them-"what has been the scariest thing about moving to nyc"
me-that after growing up in a culture that tells you who you are and defines every part of you. i moved to a city that does not define me. in fact instead of saying to me 'this is who you are' new york has asked me to define myself. and that question is huge...this whole year has been me asking myself over and over agian, "stacey jo doornbos, who are you?"

i am scared. i am fearful. i am exited. i am nervous. i am lost. i am loved.

i am loved.

two cups of coffee and a diet cherry coke. thats my day. and thats my week. i am so emotional worn down, i feel like all my hope has escaped me. i know that its coming back eventually, but today it is lost. i have spent this week finishing a review of my program for a foundation. it turned out nice and today i meet with the funder, our grant was renewed...which is wonderful. i spent my afternoon talking to a family worried of losing their apartment. hugs, tears...which turn into research. how am i going to help advocate.? and how am i not going to take this issue on as my own, yet still help them. i am taking my job personally, maybe to much so. i have to keep reminding myself to hold my head high, put my shoulders back, and don't cry. cause crying is going to do no good, work is going to do good. and it has. yesterday i found out that a proposal i wrote to try to get free fruit for the center for 3 years made it to the second round. a huge achievement. if that would happen i would cry, and those tears would be worth it. sadly my personal life is taking a toll with everything that has been happening at work. i tried to go to a bday party, only to bail out early to sleep. i think i could sleep now and its 5:30pm (and i wouldn't wake up tell the morning).
last night as i tried to relax enough to fall asleep i started to picture myself just a few years ago. all my idealism in check, my heart full of love, my possibility to change the world on the horizon. i miss that feeling. the feeling of believing everything is essentially good for the world. i am so jeolous when i see people who have been able to hold onto it. ah idealism, you are like a comforting blanket.
i know that its just the season. eventually my kids will come back into the center and i will be filled with hope again. i might be stressed all morning with advocacy and issues in the neighborhood. but once the children come in and tell me about their day, all despair is lost. until then i just have to take a breathe and drink two coffees a day. things here will never be great. all these kids won't go to college or have two parents. but i can do my best to make little things in their life great. and i intend to.

life is constant. i know that this may seem like an elementary principle, but its true. this morning when i opened my door to my office and sat down i couldn't help but ask myself "can you do this?". i know that i have love for my kids deep inside of me. i would and do sacrifice for them. they come into my office after school and give me the biggest hugs, sit with me when they need to cry, and tell me when they get their first kisses. they come seeking love from me. and they know they will find it. but i'm drained. i finished after school for the year this past friday and start summer camp in two weeks. as i look forward to the year ahead i know things need to change. i need to show myself more love if i'm going to be able to show my kids the love they deserve. more love. more love? but that begs to ask the question, how can i show myself more love? chocolate, chinese, bike rides, happy hour, office marathons? all these things i do when i'm worn out. but that just isn't love. i'm lost at what love is. will it have to come from another person? or is there a way that i will be able to do this love giving on my own?.
this past year for me has been all about giving. me giving. which is wonderful in so many ways. i have found purpose in my giving. being the shoulder for a friend to cry on. the person to talk to. the one who will listen to yelling when someone needs to get it out. i'll sit why a parent talks to me about being a teenage mother. or not having enough money for christmas presents. i hug the child who doesn't know when they will see their father next. i listen to my family as they cry about the affects of cancer. i know in all this giving i have grown. grown in my friendship, my connections with the families i work with, and with my family. but i have also grown as an individual. i have had to mourn the loss of some idealism and youth. but i have become strong. i've had to face head on the challenges the ugliness of the world throws at us. and keep going. and keep going. and keep going.
so as oliver said "where is love?" i could use a little more to fill me up. so i can pass it on. cause when it all comes down to it i'm guessing that for many years to come i will have to be able to keep giving my all. and i will have to keep going. so love if you are there, stop by in harlem.

its all the same

take my heart and pull it out of me
place it on the cold concreate
its all the same
its all the same

moons have passed as i have fought the urge
close my eyes i wander to her
its all the same
its all the same

i swim the seas don't notice the tides
my heart is preoccupied
its all the same
its all the same

flowers grow and trees die slow
the wind whistles and still no one knows
its all the same
its all the same

lonely in silence i find myself here
the earth turns beneath these tears
its all the same
its all the same

so many moments i have tried to change
yet my feelings for her
are all the same
all the the same

my love for her remains
its all the same

if i could; i'd take it back

the street lights scream, in my eyes
i wake up early; realize that you are gone
my fingers trace the outline of where you laid
i feel tears rolling down my face

but what can i say, but sorry
i wake another day lonely
come back. come back. come back to me.
i'll give. i'll give. i'll give you what you need.

i know that in the past
my mistakes have multiplied
you asked me to step up and i stepped aside
looking back i see were i went wrong
its true, you were right all along

but what can i say, but sorry
i wake another day lonely
come back. come back. come back to me.
i'll give. i'll give. i'll give you what you need.

i'll sacrifice all things good
to prove to you my love is true
i promise to follow through
on everything i said i'd give to you

oh i'm sorry.
i wake another day lonely.
come back. come back. come back to me.
i'll give. i'll give. i'll give you what you need.

i write. i wouldn't say that i am a writer. i think that would mean i think i'm good at writting. and i wouldn't go that far. and how can you say that you are a good writer. it seems like each person would have a different view of my words. one person might like it. while another might think everything i write is cliche. so i am just going to say that i write. not stories or novels. but songs. and i guess without you hearing the melody, maybe my songs would be called poems. but i also am weary of saying that i write poems. so you can just take what i write and catagorize it yourself. but this blog is going to be just my writtings. they are never my final drafts. (nothing is ever final). but they are all songs in process. feel free to comment on what you think of phrasing or ideas you have. often i might write a verse or a chorus and be lost for the rest of the song. in turn, the more the comments the better.