two cups of coffee and a diet cherry coke. thats my day. and thats my week. i am so emotional worn down, i feel like all my hope has escaped me. i know that its coming back eventually, but today it is lost. i have spent this week finishing a review of my program for a foundation. it turned out nice and today i meet with the funder, our grant was renewed...which is wonderful. i spent my afternoon talking to a family worried of losing their apartment. hugs, tears...which turn into research. how am i going to help advocate.? and how am i not going to take this issue on as my own, yet still help them. i am taking my job personally, maybe to much so. i have to keep reminding myself to hold my head high, put my shoulders back, and don't cry. cause crying is going to do no good, work is going to do good. and it has. yesterday i found out that a proposal i wrote to try to get free fruit for the center for 3 years made it to the second round. a huge achievement. if that would happen i would cry, and those tears would be worth it. sadly my personal life is taking a toll with everything that has been happening at work. i tried to go to a bday party, only to bail out early to sleep. i think i could sleep now and its 5:30pm (and i wouldn't wake up tell the morning).
last night as i tried to relax enough to fall asleep i started to picture myself just a few years ago. all my idealism in check, my heart full of love, my possibility to change the world on the horizon. i miss that feeling. the feeling of believing everything is essentially good for the world. i am so jeolous when i see people who have been able to hold onto it. ah idealism, you are like a comforting blanket.
i know that its just the season. eventually my kids will come back into the center and i will be filled with hope again. i might be stressed all morning with advocacy and issues in the neighborhood. but once the children come in and tell me about their day, all despair is lost. until then i just have to take a breathe and drink two coffees a day. things here will never be great. all these kids won't go to college or have two parents. but i can do my best to make little things in their life great. and i intend to.