life. each moment is borrowed time.
and each person we let ourselves care about is just another loss somewhere down the line.
remember before the line comes: all the love. all the joy. and all the good.
live a life with a lot to lose.

i want to remember how i feel right now. in this moment. holding back the little bit of tears. my heart racing. and thankfulness all over the place. love comes in all shapes and forms and situations. today it came in a goodbye. of someone who i havent known for very long. but has turned my heart inside out. and in again. its good...i know it is to have love come in, even just for a short time. even if it hurts like hell when it leaves. even so you had it. i had it. and this love made me think and question. and realize something. my heart is full of love. but i can always fit more.

and so we said goodbye. and i love yous. and the world keeps spinning.

Call me a fool. But I always learn the hard way, always. I do things before I think about it. or I make a promise and cant break it. or I leap without knowing if there is any ground underneath me. Sometimes the ground appears…and sometimes it just doesn’t…and I fall…and keeping falling. BUT i always learn. Indeed, there is always a lesson in every mistake and in every success.

I sometimes wonder why I put myself through the ringer: why I do it to my body. My heart? My spirit? Ohhhhhh man. But we have to, don’t we? I don’t think its just me. We have an addiction to emotion: the lows and the highs. I throw myself into it with the slightest possibility of receiving love. we do it. we HAVE to!

We have no option then to put ourselves out there. In this world you can sit on your sofa, or you can let the world twist you around. So we spin and we SPIN!!! until one of those days comes when the world stops. and You can take a step back and see how much you have learned. how much you have been bruised. How far you have come. The dreams that have come true. And all you can say…or at least all I can say is WOAH! Just woah. Deary me. And just hug yourself and say thanks. For surviving it all…and THRIVING in it all (ok, so not thriving everyday…sometimes crying. Don’t hold it against me…it happens). Then grabbing on to the most stable thing around you cause you know that any instant the world is going to grab you again and start spinning you like crazy. Because we always have more to learn and experience and ponder. More valleys to fall into and more beautiful things to see. This life gets more real every day we live.

in the end we just have to hold on tight. soak it all in. and LIVE it all up...our realities are always going to be changing. our hearts always going to be evolving. we will never be exactly where we are in this moment. but dont try to control it. or morph it into what you want it to be. just place your desires into the universe. and let it all go. it will come. or maybe it wont. but it will all be good...and constant...and incredible...and hard...and real...and beautiful...and true.

maybe the best part of my job (minus the cute i love you's and pictures i receive of me as a princess) is teaching. sometimes when people ask me what i do i respond by saying: im working to do my part to create wholestic human beings. its funny. 

lately my kids have started to call each other gay...of course when they come into my office to talk about what happened they swear they meant happiness :). whenever this situation comes up i have talk i always give. the talk starts by learning the definitions of minorities and majorities.  

then i draw a 'pie' that represents all the people living in america. i divide the pie into 8 slices and have the child label how many slices are taken up by the majority in america (caucasian) and how many slices for the minority (which he said was black, Hispanic, those who are gay and french people). i then asked the child if everyone screams...what group would you hear the most? of course the answer is the majority (in this case...caucasian). the talk ends by saying: as humans its our job to stand up and speak up for ALL those who have no voice...for the people we can not hear. today the kid turned to me and said, "wow" in this overwhelmed type of voice...like all of a sudden he has a whole lot of work ahead of him.

and he does. we all do have a load of work ahead of us to stand up. speak up. work hard. rally. and LOVE.

i made french toast early this morning. before i headed into work. it was delicious and reminded me i should eat breakfast more.

ok so its a snow day. and i googled love. im interested. ive been thinking about love's limitations a lot. you know? those who say 'because i love you. i want to tell you that you are hurting yourself by ________(fill in the blank)'. is love acceptance of someone at all costs? acceptance of them when they live inside your denifitions? acceptance of them only when they give what you want?

does judgement-fear-honesty-secrets...do they have a role in love? do i love people if i am not completly honest with them (especially about the big things in life). what if they do not want to hear...are they in turn not loving me?

this brings me to my next point. wiki said that love is not only a noun but a verb, of course. so could someone have love for me (noun) but not love me (verb). there is a seperation there. and am i only in love when i have both? love noun+love verb=real great LOVe. huh.

i want to love the universe. the good things and the bad things. i want to love my taxi drivers. the homeless man on the corner. the mcdonalds employee who makes my hot chocoate. strangers. dogs (im working on it). friends. lovers. family. oh i WANT to love.

love as defined (by wiki):

Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection and attachment. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. Love is not a single feeling but an emotion built from two or more feelings. Anything vital to us creates more than one feeling, and we also have feelings about our feelings (and thoughts about our feelings). This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.

i like the idea of love not being its own feeling: but a combination of multiple feelings. and that it is sooo CRaZy hard to define. its good and complicate and not that important and very important.

ok. so. what is the line. the feelings. the hiding agenda. the complications. the underlying meaning. the assumptions. with love???

in the end. i want to love you where you are at. for who you are. your joys. your flaws (of what you think are your flaws). you tears. your cranky mornings. and loud nights. i want to be there. with no judgement. no assumptions. no underlying meanings except that i am here. cause i love you.

maybe its selfish. 'do unto others as you want done unto you' right? of course! i seek to be loved where i am at. with little judgement and a whole lot of laughs. to me. that is what love is.

sooo. i will try. to love you.