it's interesting how the world is different to everyone: we all make up our world. our viewpoint, our experiences, our mindset, and such completely decides how we view everything around us. while i see a world that is welcoming, full of possibilities, and adventures...another person could view the world as harsh, cold, and hard to live in. it is all what we make of it. i used to say to the kids i worked with "today is going to be a great day if you want it to be". and its kind of/really true. you choose. would you like love in your life? open up your heart. open up your eyes. maybe the man on the corner will show you love through kind words. or a friend through a good conversation. who knows? but i do know that love is out there. maybe you need a laugh. the world is funny...i promise you that. this whole viewpoint thing is not only with the world...but also (and maybe more interestingly) with people. someone can be in love with someone while someone else can hardly be around them. i can view a person as strong, while someone else views them as weak. its all what we create the person to be in our mind. are you putting someone on a pedestal? or not giving someone the benefit of the doubt? and how about you...how are you viewing yourself in your mind? do you know you are as beautiful as you are? do you know that you have more to offer life then you know? do you know that you deserve all your desires? do you know that others look up to you? that you make people happy? and you show love in unique and wonder ways? i HOPE that you do. when it comes down to it. we can view the world and others any way you want. but please view yourself as strong. complete. good. and loving. when you do everything else you experience will be brighter. more wonderful. and you will see that love and peace and laughter and adventure are all around....just wanting for you to come enjoy them.

You have those moments in time when the flow of life seems to be going your way. You are chilling and the world around you is spinning…and the whole time you think ‘this is good. I think I’m doing ok at this living thing.’ OR you are in a friendship/relationship with someone. And you think again ‘this is good. We are just hanging and talking and laughing’. then opps. The real opinions come out. You find out that you are not doing as well as you thought. Not giving something or someone what they expected or needed. This is not always your fault (usually partially…but not entirely). and there it is. During these days or times we can’t help ourselves but ask the questions: what did I miss? Where did I go wrong? How long should I have known that I was below average? Huh. Well. No tears or anything. Just a…lets see. Reality check for an idealistic girl. i tend to not like reality checks. I enjoy my colorful spin I put on life. Things are a lot brighter in my colorful mind. Yet alas this happens. It has to happen. To bring be down to normal…so I can recolor everything again. Ok, enough with the colors. But really. Really truly. Life is a circular process. You stand. You fall. You stretch (sally o’malley). And you keep going.

songs

i don't write much about my music on this blog. mostly because my music tends to be just for me and just for fun. but recently i've been recieving some positive feedback about it. so it light of that...i thought i should start sharing. and also because i spend so many hours with my guitar...it shouldn't go to waste. so starting later this week you will be able to download my music from myspace music pages (i'll let you all know when it goes up). but as a start here are some of my lyrics. lyrics always tend to be cheesy and not as good with no music with them. but either way: you can take them as they are. enjoy.

LOve is where we'll end

The moon has found another place to lay her head
I look at you. Yes its true. This is our end.
We both had boundaries. Tonight we’ve come to them
There’s nothing left to say between you and i. except goodbye.

And this pain will fly away.
And peace will settle into our life someday.
Cause love is where we started.
And love is where we'll end.

I know we made mistakes along the way
We’re only human beings.
Are love was beautiful, wouldn’t you say?
I won’t have any anger against you in our later days.

And this pain will fly away.
And peace will settle into our life someday.
Cause love is where we started.
And love is where we'll end.

Remember me my sweet
Cause I was down on my knees for you.
Believing we were the best of any two.
Still I know that as time ticks away
A new love will come my way

And this pain will fly away.
And peace will settle into our life someday.
Cause love is where we started.
And love is where we'll end.

I'll Learn how to LOve you

I could say I would walk a million miles
Just to see you smile
I could say I would plant a flower garden in your room
Pick a rose for you
I could say I would find the end of the rainbow
Every time it rains

But my fears have the best of me
And I want my promises to keep
So I’ll just say

I will listen and I will learn
I will be there round every turn
And I will learn how to love you

I could say I turn your frown
All the way around
I could say I’d understand all our your tears
And all of your pain
I could say I’d write your name plus mine
All over the place

But my fears have the best of me
And I want my promises to keep
So I’ll just say

I will listen and I will learn
I will be there round every turn
And I will learn how to love you

We will have our own share of heartache
There will be pain that we create
We will fight and not say goodnight
Even then. Even then.

I will listen and I will learn
I will be there round every turn
And I’ll learn how to love you.

I'll be fine

I walk these concrete streets
With my own two feet
I get ready for the day
With the two hands god gave
I have no words left to say
Just this sad expression
On my face

I’ll be fine. I’ll be alright
You can leave me behind
I’ll be fine. I’ll be alright
With no guilt in sight
You can leave. Leave me behind.

As you started to walk away
I thought of words I could say
To beg you to stay. Just one more day
But who longs to be with someone
Who only dreams of running away?

I’ll be fine. I’ll be alright
You can leave me behind
I’ll be fine. I’ll be alright
With no guilt in sight
You can leave. Leave me behind.

Are friends aren’t talking to me
Their to afraid of saying words
That would add to my suffering
We both know. I am an island in my mind
No sticks or stones will ever break this heart of mine.


I’ll be fine. I’ll be alright
You can leave me behind
I’ll be fine. I’ll be alright
With no guilt in sight
You can leave. Leave me behind.

Love and warm wishes to you all!

today my kids made trees. little foot high trees with red. yellow. orange. green. leaves they taped all over the branches. on each leaf they wrote something they were thankful for. moms. dads. food. homes. me :). and love. an amazing amount of the kids took a leaf a just wrote LOVE. what a powerful verb. one of my classes wrote all their names on a leaf, placed it on a tree, and gave it to me. family. their a large part of mine. walking out of the center kids could recieve a coats, hats, and gloves. smiles. laughter. warmth. its winter outside. and its dark at 5. but inside, here in the center. and underneath the new coats. we are warm. we are cared for. each and everyone of us. one of my kids said their first word to me. ever. i told him his tree looked nice. he smiled and said "thank-you". i melted. literally: tears, i freaked out. he has been here all year. two months. first word, first hint of a voice. its powerful. our words. even just the sound of a human talking to another. power. beauty. he said many more words as the hours ticked away today. 8pm and i worked to many hours today. but i'm good. and thinking about all the leafs i would need to cover my tree, so many things to be thankful for. i know. that the one at the top would be covered in LOVE.

change. choice. we make them for ourselves. others make them for us. they come. sometimes with an invitation and sometimes they just show up at your front door. each comes with new things. and loss. letting go of friendships. of connections. or youth. of loves. or hope of love. we find ourselves again in the 'waiting area' of life that dr. seuss poetically wrote about. waiting for success. waiting for love. waiting for it. whatever it is for you. and then it comes. whatever time it is. it will be the right time. yet. what if you are in the waiting area and you are happy. do you then choose to take something new into your life. something that could bring happiness or not. but wait...are we happy now? maybe this is just ok...maybe happiness is something i haven't felt in so long that i forget the feeling. decision. decision. tv taught me that decision and scissors come from the same root word. cut it out. change it. believe it. love it. be it. whatever it is. no looking back, just living in. regrets are easy. longings come naturally. either way you are where you are. soak in the good. sit. listen. give. and receive. bake. life is good. isn't it?

being the aries that i am, the only time i become really upset is when someone or something stomps on an ideology that is important to me. then i come up with some unrealistic plan-something large and extremely hopeful. you might know (from reading past blogs) that the belief of equality...one very important belief of mine...has been stomped on hard lately. monday night after work i was so upset about it that i skateboarded for an hour trying to come up with a plan. i called a friend and said "we need to do something. march, rally...something!" and he listened and said it was a good idea. i went home and spent my free time writing a speech (that i will probably never give) but my idealistic mind had to do something. so for the enjoyment of all...and because i spent to much time writing it for it to never be read, here it is:

Today we come together fighting for mom’s, fathers, siblings, lovers. To fight
for equality. Equality of LOVE. Today, understand that we have come so far, yet
have so far to go.

Looking back, there was a time when a black man and a white women’s love was not recognized. America viewed this love as wrong. But our friends, our parents, our grandparents stood up and took action. They believed, as do we that when two human beings, find love there will be the right for it to be recognized. They believed in change. Do you?

History is repeating itself. We need to stand-up for Love. Today 40 states have laws against same-sex marriage. Proposition 8 in California being the last law past. It was a shock to all of us. Even before the ballots were cast there was destructive behavior displayed. A them vs. us mentality came into play. This will only build up the walls we want to break down. Walls between the church and gay community. Walls between the past and future. Equality: gender, race, orientation. It should always be a WE issue. We will work together. WE will fight for equality. WE will have the right to LOVE.

Together we will create Change. women have marched together on these streets for equality. African Americans have marched together on these streets for justice. Family, friends, lovers, and strangers have marched on these streets for freedom. and today there presence is with us. We are thankful for their sacrifices. Remembering, we march with their momentum. The same momentum that brought Americans to the polls last week. Enabling us, as the United States of America to elect Barack Obama into office. And on the heals of this change we come together. Are we ready to unite once again, to walk these streets for equality? Is today the day?

its 11:30pm. not late. (at least by my normal standard). i cried at work today, one of my many weaknesses. just sick. pushed myself to hard. i was in bed by 8pm with some homemade chicken noodle soup. an apple. and some tea. i feel asleep right after dinner and now am wide awake. brilliant plan. so this blog is here to keep me company while i think about sheep jumping over fences. ok...random things in my mind.

monday i was welcoming all the kids into after school. hanging out and coloring (a great activity). and one of my kids walks into the room and declares he is going to play a game. he says that he is going to be barack obama and who wanted to be his joe biden. they set up an office in the back of the classroom, which he said anyone could stop into to talk to barack. so i walked into his "office" and asked 'barack, if you could only give me one piece of advice what would it be?' he acts like he is thinking really hard, looks at me and says 'that if people are mean to you. stand-up and walk away'. very wise barack obama.

last week i was passing by the kids bathroom and heard a knocking from the inside door. it sounded like someone was trying to get attention. i opened the door, a 1st grader seem to have been stuck in the bathroom...didn't have the force needed to pull the door open. right after i helped him out he said "i found hope" i asked what he said...i didn't think a first grader would say something like that. and he said it again. i asked him "you found hope in me?" "yup" to which i couldn't help but reply "i'm your barack obama?" as he walked ahead of me i heard him answer"yes".

on my way home from work today i was feeling really bad. i caught the subway at 96th st for home. right after i sat, i saw that the ad opposite me stated "not feeling good today? then please don't get on the subway". believe me new york city transit, i too wish i was in bed and not on the C train. it made me laugh.

ok, i think thats it for now. this weekend was amazing. i spent most my time long boarding the city, watching movies, and talking to tourist (i spent 30 minutes on the Q train talking to 5 women who came for the weekend from north carolina...AH! i love tourists.) but things are good. i'm looking forward to the holidays and a break. and maybe some sledding at kyle's parents house. and a trip to the wooden shoe factory. ah, home.

close your eyes. think about the past. about the people who have lived before us. specifically those who were born at a certain time, at a certain place. that because of those circumstances were not given a fair chance at happiness, at living life to the fullest. for instance...there was a time when it was legal to buy slaves in nyc. (side note: where you used to buy slaves, is now where you can buy tickets to see the statue of liberty...interesting, interesting) a time when women could not vote. and of course more. so much more inequality. here. everywhere. our history is full of blood. of tears. and how far we have come in the last 100 years. African-Americans and women gained the right to vote. but how far we haven't come. as i was walking the streets this weekend, i kept picturing the civil rights rallies. the sit-ins. the protests. how they fought. and how it changed everything.

i feel little. powerless. i have been watching the protests in california for the gay-rights movement. its our time. the lovers. the friends. the children. the adults. we have a new civil rights movement. a new kind of equality that needs to be fought for. yesterday i saw a movie that was based in 1950's south africa. a white women and black man were interested in one another, which of course was against the law. at one point in the movie a random white man asked the black man to get him water and the white women was so frustrated that she got the water for white guy. the white man walked out angry. and the women turned to her love interest and said "isn't it true that we as humans are losing are dignity?" the man looked at her and replied "some of us quicker then others." and i love what she said in response "yes, but not you. it was that man who lost his dignity we he asked you to get the water." isn't that true. no one is taking away my friends dignity, my dignity...they are taking away their own. when a human doesn't give respect to others regardless of race, gender, orientation...it is them who lose. who lose on what life is when it is full of love. of respect. of care.

i am determined to love and respect everyone. and i am in need to help people understand we are all human, all the same. 99.9% of our DNA is the same. literally, only .1% of us is different. there is always more connecting us then dividing us. if you do not understand someone, ask. listen. the more people you know. the more you will understand. equality is not complicated. it just starts with understanding, and continues on in love. i am ready to walk. to sit-in. to speak. to listen. to be. for equality. cause my loving heart is hurting.

i am having an out of body experience. and its magical. i woke up late this morning and walked outside into washington heights. a group of kids were passing me by chatting "obama! obama!" the Hispanic man next to me joined right in. i hopped onto the C local downtown. two nuns came on at 135th, sat across from me...continuing their conversation in spanish. i could understand only two things: the word obama and their smiles. next a teenager who was deaf came onto the train. she didn't know how to get to brooklyn. i wrote down the directions for her. she wrote thank-you in return. at 96th street i climbed the stairs and saw an older women wearing an obama shirt and carrying a bag. i asked if i could help and carry the bag for her. she smiled "its not that heavy, but you can carry me" sarcasm, always love it. i had extra time today and walked through central park to the east side. the colors are bright. the leafs are falling. things are changing. hugs were everywhere at work. hope. joy. and parties in offices. old staff members stopping by my office to see me. everyone wants to experience this together. more hugs. more tears. my kids walked in and i was overwhelmed with what this means to them. they spent today coloring pictures and writing him letters. here are some of their quotes:

"I knew you would win. I hope you make changes that the world loves. I think you should be president forever"

"i'm happy that you won because you are the first black president. Im' so proud that you won. When i get older I want to be president because you get to wear nice suits"

"I am so exited for you and I can't wait until you change the world in my life."

"I want you to make the world a safer place"

"Congratulations for achieving your goal. I love you because of your convincing speeches and your generosity for everyone. I want you to make the United States a better place to live such as stop littering. I am proud of you because you are my role model"

"Congratulations Obama you were great out there. I loved your speech it was awesome. I love you and I want you to give us a change, because we need a change. Also, can i tell you something? You are going to be in history because you are the first African American president in all time. I'm going to say it again Congratulations!"

"I love you because you love me"

i love that last quote. i think it sums up a lot. she loves him because he loves her. how simply put and beautiful that line is. this whole process for me all comes down to love. a love that is full of understanding for the least of us. a love full of hope for the most deprived. a love full of ideas for those who need to worry about living and whp need someone else to worry about how to fix this all. these kids are growing up in an new America. an America that says you are important. you are represented for. you will be listened to. we are on our way to equality.

i also want to mention that even though proposal 8 did not turn out the way it should have. we now have a president that mentioned in his acceptance speech that gay was a minority. i know that this change will come in my lifetime. equality of love will be here. it will take time and patience. but its clear now we live in a country were people can change. and rights can be given and received. today it seems crazy that when obama was born his parents could not be married in most states because of his father's race. i hope that my children will live in an age were the fact that two people couldn't get married because of their gender will seem crazy. but today, in the end i want to focus on the strides we have come. on the love that has been given. and the change we have been given the chance to make.

its 2am tuesday november 5th. our world just changed. the trees and lights on my street are draped with toilet paper. they look like tears of celebration. the subway was full of strangers. laughing, smiling, and crying. the village was full of shouts of praise, oh hope. i was overcome. tears. wonder. splendor. these is what belief turned into actual reality feels like. right after the announcement i couldn't help but cry. my boss called me "we did it stacey, we did it" thats the most amazing part of this all. it is we. we who called strangers. we who registered voters. we who waited in line. we who pulled the lever. we who believed. we who didn't quit. and he is right, we didn't do this for him. we did this for my kids: so they could see a president that reflected them. we did it for the poor: so they would have someone who would understand. we did it for those who are not equal in society: so we could have someone who understands love will never divide us.  we did it for all of us. tonight, as i wrapped my hands around my friends. as i was silent. as i listened. i started to understand what history feels like. how one human with inspiration and drive can change a country person by person. i am proud to be here. to know that i had the opportunity to be apart of the we. we did it.  

i am not detail orientated. my work. my room. my lack of calenders around me all reflect this fact. but in my mind, when it comes to "planning" my life i have the tendency to decompose the details: 'if i do this, what will happen?' like my life is a choose your own adventure book. i could go on a hike with julia on page 58 or to back to school on page 90 and i have to decide. and as i flip to page 58 (the clear winner) i am holding my breathe hoping the hike doesn't bring me to a devastating ending. i do this in my mind with reality all the time. should i call him? if i write this what will she think? if i decide to go to school too, what will be the effects? and i think and i think and i think myself into the ground about the details to scared to just flip the page. when in the end i'm not going to know the difference. what happens is what happens. and joy and love and beauty and mystery and friendship will be here for us, for you, for me no matter what chapter or page we are on. i need to stop double guessing myself. take a deep breathe. enjoy every moment. every word. laugh and be.