in our staff meeting today we started to plan for the haunted house we put on for the kids who live in the isaac/holmes residence. i mentioned in the meeting that were i grew-up they would put on a haunted house for the kids. but it wasn't the kind that had people pop out at you. instead each room dealt with some kind of moral delima. like one room was smoking, another drinking, and another premarital sex. they would have a skit in each room about the negative affects or shall i say the "scary" things that happen when you do these things. then the last room was a "Jesus" room...where they asked us to choose him and not the poor choices. my co-workers laughed hard when i finished the story. and it is funny. insane almost. when i went through it as a seventeen year old i knew that it was a little crazy conservative thing. but to think about that and to think about now. man alive. things change, people change, how i have changed. i can't believe i made it through that culture...all the while laughing. i do remember a few times crying out of guilt. or praying for my salvation constantly. it was a lot of pressure. to be perfect. to be "holy". the whole time seeking love from a God that i was scared of. i think that christianity at its core is beautiful. somewhere it went wrong and people started to believe the had to pay a price for love. for salvation. for good things to happen. and i was differently one of those people. i went to Bible college seeking answers. wanting to find out how i could be happy. wanted to be close to this God that everyone else seemed to be buddies with. wanted my skepticism to be pushed away with every Bible class that i took. but the more i listened, the less i understood. and the more frustrated i became. how could a good God send people to "hell"? how are so many people i go to school with who label themselves as christians tend to judge everyone, talk about everyone, not be able to listen? i would become so heated in class discussions that i would stop raising my hand and just throw out my thoughts and questions. eventually my teachers started to ask me if i was ok. and i wasn't. who i am. what i believe. it will never fit into the culture i grew up in. this might sound ok, and it eventually will be. but today i am still mourning the pain that this is bringing my family. and the frustrations that it has caused. i love my family dearly. they are my rock and my joy. i feel horrible that i will not be exactly what they pictured. yet in the end honesty is the best form of love i can give them. they have embraced me were i am, and i couldn't be more thankful for that. i have worked through a lot of things this year. clarifying a lot of who i am. and today i finally have time to think about religion and me. i need to find a balance of respect for the beliefs i grew up in. clarification (or peace with the lack of it) in my own beliefs system, and LoVE for all those around me in the midst of it. we will see. its all a process.