ive been on a recent kick of honesty with myself and the earth. i suppose that once you start asking yourself the big questions: ie 'who are you' then the questions just keep rollin' on out. i won't lie...i kind of love this honesty thing. im not reading into others actions (as much) or wondering what will happen to me or what people think. i have been trying to just say what i think and take the responses as they come.

even when it comes to talking to myself, which is the hardest person to be honest with. YEt the honesty (ok, i know i'm using this word WAY to much) has been good. i look and feel and act how i actually feel in the inside...which hasn't happened in a long time. its beautiful. hello me. i seem to enjoy you...now that you aren't trying to please so many people. people pleasing is not a fun side job.

honesty said that i wasn't living the if i wanted. that i didn't look like me. that i was holding onto beliefs just to have them. that i was telling you something just so you would love me. that i was holding back my words for some so i wouldn't be rejected. poo. that is hard shit. pretending and trying.

and this honesty kick is having a great affect on me and the current love of my life: my seagull guitar. After finishing a song and recording it last night…I had this moment of ‘shit. This music is kind of really awesome’. Its been a recent occurrence after years of writing that my music has started to feel and sound very me. I feel like I am pushing myself to play the guitar in more unique ways and giving myself the lack of boundaries needed to flow with whatever shenanigans comes out of my mouth. Which has turned into some of the most beautiful/creative experiences I have had in years. it is becoming harder and harder for me to sacrifice playing and writing time to do things. Which makes me sound like a complete loner. I now totally understand people who have lived in a cabin for months with just them and their guitar. That sounds CRAZY amazing. Ummm…st. johns and me and my guitar. delicious idea.

its kind of like the line 'what i don't know won't hurt me' (which i have talked about before). it makes me soooo frustrated....soooo i'm trying to live in the opposite of it. you know? i'm going to be honest with you. and with me. and its going to be weird. and beautiful. and hard. for you to deal and for me to deal. but us talking and asking questions and patiently struggling through it will bring us to this amazing place. i know it.

the funny thing about it. is if i'm really honest about it all...i would have to say that i don't know what the hell i'm doing. except that i'm trying: to be me. to love you. to speak my thoughts. to be. we will see. fingers crossed that honesty is actually the best policy!!!!!